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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 13:12:53 GMT -5
Sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean to Do you have the prophecy that Mistyrose is involved in? I want to put it at the end of the prologue if you're okay with it. I think I finished the rough draft, just have to proofread and basic edit it before I put it up here
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 13:52:01 GMT -5
Prologue Bushes rustled softly in the growing wind, of which flowed over the thick pelt of a white tom. His strong form glittered with the light and wisdom of the stars yet gleamed with a tint of evil darkness. White starlit mist drifted into the sky after it wound itself around the right paws of the white cat's body, the mist gently faded the higher it went, turning into faint glittering stars before it was swallowed by the dark indigo sky. A dark and bloodied reddish black mist wound around his left paws, lightly caressing the soft white fur of his lower legs and sinking into the ground. The effects of the mist sinking into the ground were that the green grass below him on his left side was becoming black and withered like the grass was beginning to die. Yet on his other side, the grass thrived becoming luscious, a healthy green color, and even soft to a cat's pads and whiskers. The tom's sharp icy blue eyes, clear with knowledge, yet darkened with the darkness that resided inside part of him, swept calmly over what he could see beyond the looming cliff where he currently resided. It was rare for this tom to be seen here on the normal warriors' territory with how he was caught between StarClan and the Dark forest. This particular cat was trapped between them both, and was able to wander between and beyond them as he pleased. Nothing distracted the Spirit Warrior's sharp focused attention on the sleeping clan beyond the cliff where he stood. Not even the small group of mice nibbling on pine nuts beneath a small pine nearby, their gray and brown fur partially hidden by the pine's dark needles lying on the snow, disrupted his wait for his companion.
The sprawling mountains beyond the cliff loomed high to the clan below where they were tucked safely in their camp under the shelter of the two large pines guarding the camp against the fresh snowfall of Sunhigh today. Snow coated the dull gray rocks and large patches of thick sturdy grass, turning the dull gray and green landscape into a beautiful Leafbare moonlit wonderland. The tom's ears twitched as the sound of paw steps reached his gently tapered ears, his companion had arrived at last. "Welcome Sol," his mew was deep and smooth like the water trickling down rough rocks. "I trust your journey around the lake went well?" He mewed as he turned his broad heard around toward his newly arrived companion.
"Yes," The tom named Sol mewed and padded toward him, "it was... interesting to say the least. What about you Spike?" Sol's thick tortoiseshell pelt, a blend of ginger black dark brown and white in smooth blending patches, glinted sleekly in the moonlight. Which accented his other features and the thicker fur like a sun-shaped mane around his neck. His yellow eyes glowed slightly in the dark and his thick brown and white tail swished softly as he moved, the thicker tip brushing lightly against the snow-patched grass around them.
"I have located FrostClan after our long search and their change of territory due to that avalanche." Spike, the white-furred tom, rumbled in response to Sol's words.
Sol's yellow eyes light up slightly at the name of the clan where his daughter had grown up in after her mother had taken her to the clan in his absence and he sat back on his haunches next to Spike. "Have you seen Mist? Did she survive the avalanche?"
Spike dipped his head in a nod, "I have not seen your daughter just yet, but yes Sol, she is alive." He turned his clear blue eyes on the mentioned cat, "she has a prophecy to complete, or did you forget?"
Sol narrowed his eyes and lightly lashed his tail, "of course I remember," a determined fire was lit in his yellow eyes, "when Mist finds me the prophecy will be completed."
"In time the prophecy will be completed yes," Spike agreed in a rumbling mew, "but they take time, patience is of the essence."
Sol flicked his tail as a way to dismiss Spike's later comment before he touched his nose to Spike's ear and thanked him, "thank you for helping me find her."
Spike lightly flicked his tail tip, "I wish to see how this unfolds," he mewed in a rumble, "don't thank me, just play your part and be careful." He gazed over the cliff, watching the sleeping clan below at the sun began to slowly turn the indigo sky a paler dark blue while just behind the mountains the skies turned a faint orange. "It has begun."
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 13:52:07 GMT -5
Naw I'm just at a bit of a stopping point, and I just like collabing. I'm not that good at writing anyway.
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 13:52:35 GMT -5
There's the prologe, let me know the errors and things you want changed
Ah, I get that feeling sometimes I call it writer's block
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 13:52:59 GMT -5
I poofed sorry. You didn't offend me at all! Is that edited?
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 13:54:57 GMT -5
I poofed sorry. You didn't offend me at all! Is that edited? It's been briefly edited and proofread yeah, there's still probably errors but not enough that I'm catching them or seeing them so I need another set of eyes
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 13:55:44 GMT -5
Alright! I'll give you some pointers if you don't mind.
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 13:58:44 GMT -5
Alright! I'll give you some pointers if you don't mind. It's your story, I want it to be exactly how you want it to be
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 14:06:10 GMT -5
It's both of ours haha. Our internets going out so I'm going to do some edits and I'll be back soon.
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 14:08:03 GMT -5
I think it's back on...
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 14:10:39 GMT -5
I have to go to my last class anyway so I'll be sporadic for a few hours
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 14:13:54 GMT -5
Eek I love this intro. It gives me chills One thing I do want to mention is that the word "mist" is repeated a lot. Maybe remove the "right" in "around the right paws". It's kind of awkward. Ahh the chills are back. I love how you enforced both the light and the dark in this scene, and the readers are left in wonder about this cat. "The effects of the mist sinking into the ground were" Is kind of an awkward sentance. Remember, I'm trying to point out even the littlest things, so we can get this perfect. Maybe it coukd be: "The mist sinking into the ground caused the green grass below him on his left side to become black and withered as if the grass was beginning to die." Also, probably remove "On his left side" because again, it's kind of awkward.Yeeeeee I love this too much haha. So I do want to add the reader doesn't know that the cat is a spirit, nor do they know he has a companion. Or that he's caught between StarClan and the Dark Forest. Or that- you get it. I want the prolouge to be like the reader is watching the seen happen, not knowing anything unless it is said or expressed by the two cats. I like the rest, though. (Yeah, I'll do more later)
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 14:19:30 GMT -5
Ahhh actually now that I think about the last quote. I realize it's actually better All I have to say for this paragraph is the words "companion" and "arrived" are repeated a lot. Oh, and you spelled "head" as "heard" x3. Yeah I made a mistake and now I have to make new reply haha
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 14:32:07 GMT -5
I just did some capitalization editing on the quote if you didn't notice. I like this paragraph Simple edits like the last one. "Spike, the white-furred tom". They sound awkward together, so just use "Spike" or "The white-furred tom". Also, maybe I should have made a separate quote for this, but maybe tone down the history? Maybe just say "His daughter had grown up" and skip the mother thing because that's actually established later.Basic edits again Perfect paragraph(s) More wonderful edits! Annnnd DONE!
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 14:50:57 GMT -5
Ahhhh is that good?
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 14:57:27 GMT -5
Hmm... alright, what if I change that first problem phrase into this:
Whisps of starlit mist drifted into the sky after winding around the white cat's body like a soft cloud, fading as it went up, turning into faint glittering stars before being swallowed by the dark indigo sky. and the second one to this:
the lurking mist sunk deep into the ground, causing the grass on the tom's left side to darken black like ash and wither as if it was being killed off by the black whisps. and the last one I'll take the trapped between part out, and change the spirit warrior into this
Nothing distracted the white tom's sharp focused attention on the sleeping clan beyond the cliff where he stood
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 15:02:56 GMT -5
Just one thing, words don't have to be capitalized after dialogue if there's a coma because the sentence isn't over so like this "Cinderheart! please don't scare me like that," she mewed grumpily, "I don't want a heart attack!" The word she doesn't have to be capitalized
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 15:06:16 GMT -5
"Spike, the white-furred tom". They sound awkward together, so just use "Spike" or "The white-furred tom". Also, maybe I should have made a separate quote for this, but maybe tone down the history? Maybe just say "His daughter had grown up" and skip the mother thing because that's actually established later.
I did that to make sure that it was clear who "Spike" was, but I can remove it the prologue is designed for background info, I can remove it if you want but that's a good example one what a prologue is for
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 15:32:26 GMT -5
okay idrc just putting in some ideas
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Post by tigercry on Mar 29, 2018 15:54:58 GMT -5
I gotta poof for a while
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 29, 2018 16:27:29 GMT -5
Same
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Post by tigercry on Mar 30, 2018 9:47:56 GMT -5
jeez,that was a heck of a lot longer that It was supposed to be anyway, what else?
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 30, 2018 11:58:35 GMT -5
Oh heck sorry, I poofed for the whole day.
I better start on chapter one. Do you have any ideas because I feel dead.)
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Post by tigercry on Mar 30, 2018 12:03:55 GMT -5
Hmm... maybe start with Mistyrose and introduce some of the other main characters? Do you have any basic ideas for the chapter that we can expand on?
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Mar 30, 2018 12:32:46 GMT -5
nOpEeeEEEe. I guess. So, I started writing this story when I was 13 so this is what I had: (CRINGE WARNING) "Mistyrose woke with a start, her mind still filled with images of fighting, and war. She yawned and reminded herself that she wasnโt a medicine cat, so if Birchpelt wanted to go find a prophecy, she wouldnโt stop her. โMistyrose!โ Called a voice from the cave entrance. The blue-pelted she-cat looked up, surprised. โYou missed the dawn patrol,โ The white form of Snowshimmer murmured, โAnd Redpaw been waiting for you.โ Muttering, she sleepily walked out of the den to see Redpaw frolicking around with Smokepaw and Whitepaw, who were playfully flirting with her. Grinning, she padded over to Redpaw, who had by this time stopped messing around and come to sit attentively. โCome,โ Mistyrose meowed, โLetโs hunt.โ She started towards the camp entrance, then turned back to see Redpaw talking to Ravenfeather, shuffling her paws, embarrassed. Mistyrose grinned, there was definitely a connection between the two young cats. โRedpaw?โ Mistyrose called, โYou done gossiping?โ She grinned, thinking that the young apprenticeโs face would be filled with embarrassment. Redpaw jerked her head in the direction of her mentor. Her eyes were wide with horror." That goes into a battle but it's pretty early in the book to have a battle. Though I admit this originally had 10 chapters
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Post by tigercry on Mar 31, 2018 15:09:05 GMT -5
at typical story has about 12-15 chapters actually, so that's not too bad! hmm... I like how it goes, maybe follow it vaguely and see what happens?
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on Apr 27, 2018 11:25:50 GMT -5
hello tigercry! sorry I lost this thread
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Post by Smokyyy on Apr 28, 2018 21:56:02 GMT -5
Ooh. And we still need to think of a name because the Forgotten Warrior is taken. THEY STOLE IT
I HAD IT BEFORE THEM.
THE ERINS LIE.I actually really like that idea. Maybe we could call it A New Era. Lol I have a fanfic called that.
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Post by ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ on May 7, 2018 17:43:37 GMT -5
oh, wow.
oh I just looked that up on wattpad theres like 3 million warriors fanfics called that :T
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