Pansexual
Aɪʀ
i'm back again, fellas.
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Post by Aɪʀ on Jul 25, 2017 0:03:23 GMT -5
Lemme know if I should change anything, like Deadleg's history for example. I know MorningClan isn't the type to reject outsiders often (I think), but I kinda picture it in my head like it was the corrupted leader who rejected him and not the Clan itself. But just lemme know. Some of the things I wrote seem a little unlike the lore of the Clans after reading over it, but I'm not sure.
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Post by Aphelyon on Jul 25, 2017 10:47:50 GMT -5
Hmmm well here are my comments reading through.... not all of them you would have to change, but just keep them in mind. The only MAJOR thing really is that Talonheart is far too old to still be functioning as a warrior. I know it mentions that her age is "catching up with her" but it would have done so quite a while ago most likely. At 98 moons old that makes her a good 8 years old which is honestly about the absolute maximum for a Clan cat, even for elder and especially an EveningClan cat. I would recommend probably making her 60-something moons old, maybe early 70s.
Besides that, I would say giving Deadleg just a few more EveningClan traits- both physically and mentally- would be good. At this time, he doesn't seem like an EveningClan cat at all. His appearance cat, of course, be explained away, but I feel like in personality even if he's still a cheerful, friendly cat, during his time with EveningClan some of their mentality would have been beaten into him, so to speak. So while he could still be friendly he would still, for example, probably have some suspicion of outsiders- even if he's a bit too friendly with them- and might be a bit quieter than he'd like to be, at least with his aloof Clanmates. As for MorningClan, I can see where they would reject him- after all, he's a "useless" kit, and not only that but brought to them by EveningClan warriors... they would likely be quite suspicious. However, I doubt they would chase them away with so much venom. That's the only issue I see with that description.
Finally, I believe that Talonheart, Gingerkit, and Hawkheart are, color-wise, a bit out of place for EveningClan. EveningClan warriors are supposed to mostly be pale and very lightly marked, and are almost never ginger. Of course, having some cats who don't fit that exact mold is fine (look at Nettlefrost, after all), but having all three of the littermates (Gingerkit being, well, ginger, and the other two being dark colored and Hawkheart with pretty bold markings) being so out of the mold is I think a bit much, especially when you also have Deadleg as an EveningClan cat who looks out of place. Like I said, not something you HAVE to change, but just something to keep in mind.
That's it for comments, but I do have a question about Riverpelt. Where is he now? Is he still supposed to be alive and in the Clan? Is he dead? Are you going to play him? Just wanting to know what's going on with him XD
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Pansexual
Aɪʀ
i'm back again, fellas.
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Post by Aɪʀ on Jul 25, 2017 13:17:38 GMT -5
Got it! Alright, so:
I'm gonna bump Talonheart down a few months. Maybe... 65 moons? I plan on making her retire IC. I guess I was thinking of how a domesticated cat would age instead of a Clan cat. I'll also make her a lot lighter along with Hawkheart.
As for Gingerkit? I might scrap her altogether. I created her while caught up in the moment of writing and never actually planned on making her a thing (and because I saw the picture of the three kits and thought it'd fit perfectly).
I'm going to rewrite Deadleg's bio. I made his history a bit too long, for starters xD And some of the details aren't necessary. Do you think I should keep the forbidden love thing? Maybe he outgrows his border-crossing adventures after Duskflower dies. And I know he's nothing like an EveningClan cat should be. Is it okay if I make his change gradual and through RP? If he survives, he'll be shaped into a decent EveningClan cat, but only if you approve (It'd be perfect if some cats were actually pretty unfriendly towards him). I won't add the part where they are chased out, I'll just say he was rejected.
Annnd... I dunno what to do about Riverpelt xD He's just a huge butt. Did I make him too much of a butt? Did I make Duskflower too angsty? Probably. I dunno hdhshdbsjsj
Also, sorry for asking so many questions xD I RP both for fun and to improve my writing and I'm always open to constructive criticism.
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Post by Aphelyon on Jul 25, 2017 21:35:50 GMT -5
65 moons sounds about right for Talonheart I think. I figured that's what you'd do with her. As for Gingerkit, it's up to you if you keep her or not. Maybe she'd be an interesting character, maybe not.
As for Deadleg, yeah having him become more mature and "EveningClan" over time definitely works, but of course he's been with them for a long time and trained with them since he was a kit, so I feel as though he would still reflect some of their traits and behaviors at least minimally, if not things in his base personality then learned behaviors. And as for Riverpelt, I think the way he is from Duskflower's perspective is fine, though I would say that adding him as a character and giving his character more scope than just "he played Duskflower's mom for no reason and then was a jerk to Duskflower for no reason" would not only be acceptable but might make a pretty neat plot. If you're not intending to play Riverpelt, I may be willing to take that role if you want... I can think of some interesting ideas for him, but it's up to you.
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Pansexual
Aɪʀ
i'm back again, fellas.
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Post by Aɪʀ on Jul 25, 2017 21:59:20 GMT -5
Oh yeah, feel free to use him if you'd like ^-^ I'm actually really curious to see what you'll do with him.
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Post by Aphelyon on Jul 26, 2017 0:07:28 GMT -5
Sounds good. I'll add him in with my cats.
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Pansexual
Aɪʀ
i'm back again, fellas.
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Post by Aɪʀ on Jul 30, 2017 15:35:38 GMT -5
Name: Moonclaw Gender: Tom Age: 40 moons Rank: EveningClan Warrior Relationships: Flintclaw (father; deceased); Noonflower (mother; deceased); Iceflake (sister; deceased) Appearance: A large, fluffy silver and white tom with bright blue eyes. He has faint tabby markings on his face, tail, and back, and has a pinch of dusty brown around his nose and speckled lightly across his thick pelt. His paws are large and his claws are sharp, long and thin like needles capable of seeping through tough materials. His tail is long and bushy, and he has tufts of long fur growing on top and inside of both his ears. Personality: Moonclaw is Skills/Weaknesses: History: Other: Previously Graykit, Moonpaw
Name: Snowcliff Gender: Tom Age: 32 moons Rank: EveningClan Warrior Relationships: --- Appearance: A muscular, silvery white tom with yellow eyes. His fur naturally sticks out in all directions, contributing to his already massive size. His claws are sharp and thick, but not very long, and his paws each have an extra toe, making them noticeably wider. Personality: Snowcliff is much more social than the average EveningClan cat, but definitely not to the extreme. He is a follower and tends to glue himself under warriors of considerably high status to make himself feel and seem important. He's quite insecure and believes that his own skills alone will not be enough to adequately support his clan. So he hides his true feelings by lurking in the shadows of other cats' glory. Deep down, he's Skills/Weaknesses: History: Other: Previously Snowkit, Snowpaw
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Name: Frigidcreek Gender: She-cat Age: 48 moons Rank: MorningClan Warrior Relationships: Bluefoot (son; deceased) Appearance: A light blue-ish gray she-cat with green eyes. Personality: Frigidcreek is an ambitious and headstrong she-cat. She's manipulative and decisive, capable of using her words to twist the minds and opinions of others to her benefit when executed properly. She's quick and precise and skilled at making decisions under stressful situations. Skills/Weaknesses: She is intelligent and strong, a proficient strategist and History: Other: Previously Frigidkit, Frigidpaw
Name: Silverstripe Gender: She-cat Age: 24 moons Rank: MorningClan Queen Relationships: Bluefoot (former mate; deceased) Appearance: A beautiful, pale silver tabby she-cat with light green eyes. She's lithe and delicate, with little paws and short, sleek fur. Her tabby markings are very pale and barely noticeable except in broad baylight. Her stripes fades into her legs and disappear at her paws, blending into her white stockings. Personality: Skills/Weaknesses: History: Other: Previously Silverkit, Silverpaw
Pending Picture
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Name: Chance Gender: She-cat Age: 39 moons Rank: Loner Relationships: Riverpelt (former mate); Duskflower (daughter; deceased); Appearance: A pale tortoiseshell and white she-cat with dusty brown and silver patches on her face, lower back, and bushy tail. Her most salient features are her round, icy blue eyes that seem to sparkle with love and compassion for all. Personality: Chance is caring and kind-hearted. She is a good listening ear and enjoys helping others through their hardships and lending advice. Her advice consists of positive quotes and reassurances rather than actual tips for handling certain situations. She's quite naïve and will believe virtually anything any cat tells her. She believes in happy endings and an everlasting afterlife, and wants nothing more than to experience an amazing life and pass in peace. She's sociable and charming, and fairly easy to get along with. It's difficult to offend her, mostly because insults tend to fly over her head. She's actually very mentally strong despite her ditsy tendencies and will never allow her spirits or beliefs be deterred. Skills/Weaknesses: History: Other:
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I'm scrapping Duskflower for now. I'll finish her form when the prophecy and StarClan become more involved. She still exists in the universe though.
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