okay, time for that thorough read-through.
prologue
"...her skin [until] water thawed..."
better flow here"Fire was the destroyer, the eraser, [remove "and"] the claw stained in dried blood"
better flow if it's a rapid list"Most importantly[,] the moon was a light..."
missing comma."consumed in an [unpredictable]"
no need for a hyphen, it's one wordi do love the prologue. it's got a mysterious air to it, like it's considering something extremely impressive or grand, and you get the reader involved in how beautiful but dangerous moon fire is before dropping us straight into spotted's death.
chapter one
may i say that i adore the chapter titles being consistent in their structure? i hope you don't run out of things to be under haha.
"Maybe I thought its [choose another adjective] waters would calm me..."
"non-chaotic" is very clunky here. use "tranquil" or some other adjective to emphasize the peace spotted finds here.now, it's been a while since i've been that far back in curse, but why did spotted not receive her leader name? why the gap between the leader's death and her taking the leader suffix?
"...the cold [water] tickling my whiskers."
we know it's a river. "substance" should be used when we don't know what it is. here, it's definitely water. no need for mystery or poetics on that count."...the GlacierClan medicine cat[,] a meaning could..."
missing comma"...a sharp force [choose another verb] itself in between..."
"punctured" cannot have itself as its object. choose either another verb that has the impact of the force and violence here, or restructure so it's more like "a sharp force punctured the space between my shoulders.""...she was surrounded in moon fire." so how does spotted know this cat is female? does she know who killed her, in that case?
chapter two
"...examine [the] worth of her prior existence..."
better flow"... locks his pale, [fern-colored] eyes with mine."
that's a compound adjective, so hyphenate thatby the way, how does spotted know nathaniel's name? is it common knowledge, part of clan lore about starclan? did he introduce himself? what?
"...before we begin the process?β [he] meows."
lower case because this is a dialogue tag directly attached to the preceding dialogue."...all surprised by my [answer]."
change "reply" since you just used it as spotted's dialogue tag in the line before.i love love love the black crescent moon. it's so stinking eerie and the exact opposite of her moon fire.
"I look down then[,] as the seven judges of the stars continue to discuss the fate of my spirit and soul[,] and notice that the tip of my claw is intact."
break this into clauses with commas so it flows better"...pushing me [slightly] to the side."
move the adverb. sounds better this way."...lest I [am] tempted to follow them."
better flow"...can be excused because [of] your otherwise good intentions."
typo"I arch my brow at him[,] skeptical of his explanation."
use semicolons when you have an independent clause coming up; a plain comma is more appropriate here."...observing my every breath and [tic] until I feel exposed before him."
tick is a bug, tic is a nervous trait or display that gives someone away."...he says coldly[.] β[Y]ou are dead now, and..."
if you take out the dialogue tag, this would be a run-on sentence. break it up."...my tail lashing wildly[.] β[W]here is the..."
exact same issue as above."All [murderers] will get..."
you want the plural and not the possessive.come to think of it, why exact was spotted killed? revenge for ospreypaw or something else? it's been a while since i've read the early bits of curse tbh.
"Fury [builds] in me."
you're in present tense now, so get rid of that past verb.when you say that nathaniel's eyes change briefly, what do you mean? do they soften? change color? get harder? the verb is very nondescript on its own.
did you ever elaborate on spotted's daughter in curse? again, it's been a while and i can't remember. of course, if what happened to her daughter is relevant here, don't tell me. no spoilers and all.
okay, you say his eyes return to their natural state. which is? the hard, cold look he's been giving her? "natural" and "change" don't matter if the reader has no way of distinguishing what those words mean in this context.
"No answer is given as tens of lights begin to fly from my body."
tens of lights sound very small and underwhelming. try hundreds instead."...then they all [cluster] and form the outline of a cat."
"clump up" is too clunky for such cold, beautiful lights. give them the grace spotted seems to think they have."...soul shards,β Nathaniel explains[.] β[T]hey will..."
same thing as twice above.mmmm gimme more of that animosity towards nathaniel. i love it, and it's so in character for spotted. he's sentenced her in a way that probably feels completely unfair to her, and she has every reason to be bitter towards him, whether he's in the right or wrong in the end. go, spotted. finish this journey for yourself, but also maybe a little bit out of spite for nathaniel.
chapter three
"[Underwater]."
it could be two words, but one is more effective here."...pummel me back into the water. This time water fills my mouth..."
you use "water" twice here a little too closely. try to find a different way of phrasing these things."...coughing up the liquid that had gotten into my throat."
like your use of "substance" earlier, we know this is water. "liquid" is for vague, cryptic substances, not a definite thing."I [lie] there for a few moments..."
tbh, lay and lie are two of the worst verbs in english. i still hate them a lot. but here, lie is intransitive. spotted is lying on the sand. lay is used for transitive moments. if she lays her tail on someone's back, or i lay a book on the table, you use lay to say someone is placing something on/by/near/etc something else. definitely look this one up because even i have trouble explaining it well, and once you get into other tenses, it just gets worse.spotted being aware that cleanliness is moot when she's dead is so good. it really speaks to her practical nature.
"...majority of the [remove liquid] ceiling remains intact."
"[Okay]...the land folds."
this may just be me being a stickler tbh.so. is this a baby earathskin, or an adult, or what? whatever it is, at least it's clear it's hungry. but really. i want to know about their development stages. not necessarily in the story since that might be too much of a side-track, but as trivia.
how would spotted know what a cobra is? they typically live in desert environments, not freezing mountain valleys. remember that, since you're writing in first person, all the comparisons you use need to be things that your main character would readily recognize and have available for comparison uses.
"...and when she moves from side to side, the movement makes the animation sway."
in the formatting on the front page, i suspect you must have accidentally pressed enter after "side to side.""...Shadowpaw had given me[,] which was now mysteriously burning."
"I will curse you[,]β she hissed softly[.]"
"...she says casually[.]"
you have a lot of paragraphs that are really just a single line. think about where you can possibly combine some of these, because i feel like not all of them quite need to be their own paragraphs.
"...sent here?β [she] questions."
"My judgement must not be that common." this confuses me. granted, i know nathaniel and hadiya have a past, but if hadiya recognized spotted's punishment so quickly, that would imply that it is common, and that she's seen it enough to readily recognize. now, this may not be true because of hadiya's connection to nathaniel, but the logical leap for someone who doesn't know h & n well would be to assume they're getting the typical punishment.
"...seven realms, Spottedmoon[:] the Between World, the realm between the realms."
if there are seven realms, why does hadiya only list five total, if you include the between? where are the other two in this hierarchy and what exactly are they? also, she just told spotted to her face that there are seven. so why doesn't spotted question the other two.
okay, realm of the living gets discussed in a moment, but it's situation on the hierarchy here is still unclear, and the last realm is unclear as well.
"Then she [breaks] the stare and [shakes] her head."
careful. tense shift."...my earlier exclamation[.] β[Y]ou are..."
"...you are afraid?β [she] muses, her head tilting slightly to the side."
on the whole, i think you're moving along strongly with the plot. your big weakness seems to be grammar issues and some consistency here and there, like the whole seven realms thing. basically, so far so good, and hopefully i can do one of these each time a new chapter comes out!
