i hope you don't mind that this is a running commentary! i just add a new comment every time i find something to talk about.
okay, earthquakes aren't really something you see in warriors fic, so it's definitely refreshing to see a new reason for strife in the clan. good job picking something that stands out!
as for your first chapter, though, i think it needs some work. an entire clan is just about wiped out save for a few survivors, but because you throw us into the middle of the event, it's hard to be attached for feel deep sympathy for the losses. they're just nameless cats, caught in a disaster. tragic, but it doesn't feel very personal, especially since you don't focus on one cat during it. i feel like if this started when the earth began to quake, following one cat's pov (even in third person), the loss of so many cats would feel a lot more tragic and pointed. additionally, the fact that even though everything is destroyed and cats are likely scattered across high ground makes it unusual that spiderheart could even possibly come up with an exact tally. try to work on capturing the loss and travesty of the event, and i think it would make a much stronger hook.
however, i like batstar's idea that it's her fault.
that is a good part of a hook, because now your readers want to see why on earth batstar could think herself responsible for a natural disaster wiping out the cats she cares for.
poor cherrykit. she seems whiny, but to go hungry and lose the clan would make anyone upset, and her reaction is realistic. keep in mind that in dialogue (just a grammar point, easy to fix), when dialogue would end with a period, but the verb outside the dialogue is a speaking verb, you need a comma instead.
ex: "I'm sorry." Cherrykit squeaked, pressing close to her father.
becomes
"I'm sorry," Cherrykit squeaked, pressing close to her father.
additionally, when there's a speaking verb after dialogue with an exclamation point or question mark, the next word (unless it's a proper noun) is NOT capitalized.
ex: "Hold on. You know kits, queens, and elders eat first. Just because the camp is destroyed doesn't mean you can do what you want. Go ahead and take a bite Cherrykit. Spiderheart can have the next bite sense he's the only one who can get off High Hill." The black she-cat ordered.
becomes
"Hold on. You know kits, queens, and elders eat first. Just because the camp is destroyed doesn't mean you can do what you want. Go ahead and take a bite Cherrykit. Spiderheart can have the next bite sense he's the only one who can get off High Hill," the black she-cat ordered.
and one thing i see a lot: sighing is NOT a speaking verb, so don't use the above rules when a character sighs.
double check your spelling and look for missing words. you have some cases of things like "sense" where you should have "since," as well as bits where you're missing small words like "be" that make the resulting sentence sound clunky. you can guess what word belongs there in those cases, but part of editing and polishing a story is making sure necessary words aren't omitted.
another thing i would recommend is not jumping around in pov. chapter two gets hard to follow because you jump from cherrykit's focus to focus on shrewpaw to suddenly going to thicketpaw. chapters should usually be restricted to the actions, thoughts, feelings, senses of a single cat at a time. this doesn't mean you can't have dialogue and other interactions, of course, but the "camera" should focusing around one cat at a time, and the things happening immediately around them. it's very hard to do more than one pov per chapter successfully, and requires a lot of practice.
why would thicketpaw keep it a secret that he's coughing up blood? that's usually indicative of serious contagious illness or deadly injury, and if he doesn't speak up, he's likely to die without anyone being able to explain it. and to top it off, why would dustpaw keep things a secret? maybe he's a grumpy sort, but is he so callous he doesn't care about helping his clanmate? there's eleven cats left. they're all each other has. i do like, a little bit, that he does ask a favor, though. that characterizes him as the cunning sort.
when one character addresses another they're talking TO in dialogue, you need a comma before the name. this is called direct address.
ex: "You wouldn't let her do that to me, would you Nettleleap?" Cherrykit mewed, her eyes full of worry.
becomes
"You wouldn't let her do that to me, would you, Nettleleap?" Cherrykit mewed, her eyes full of worry.
if they're talking ABOUT someone, you don't need that comma. the best way to learn this is to look at published works and examine the dialogue there. i find that helpful for finding new examples and recognizing patterns.
huh. that's very unusual that nettleleap won't face the loss of his son, but it also seems to manifest in taking extra care for cherrykit. maybe make that more clear? i mean, don't outright say that he's overprotective of his daughter after losing his son, but show it in how reluctant he is to let her out of his sight in times like these, and how much extra care he takes for her safety. he may say he's not hurting yet and will grieve later, but he may not recognize how much it hurts him.
who the heck is frostedweb? shrewpaw's old mentor? if so, how does shrewpaw feel about getting to see him again? give your readers some of the emotional. this is a turbulent time, mentally and physically. your characters aren't heartless rocks. they feel and they probably hurt right now, and getting glimpses of their love and fear and desperation would help bring them to life.
"shrewlight jumped off the log..." maybe used a verb like "crawled" or "crept" here? if he was too exhausted to swim back himself, show me how that's affecting him. verb choice goes a long way in showing your readers the state of things.
i like the idea that starclan can't help, but i'm a huge fan of stories that are driven not by the guiding hand of a supernatural, spiritual force, but by the characters involved below. they are not pawns of something greater, but flawed characters who must face decisions and conflict. that brings so much to a story.
ah, dustpaw doesn't like the new lady in dad's life. a reasonable thing. he's young, and change, especially in family units, can be hard.
what makes batstar so resistant to spiderheart's logic? teaching cats to swim with the supervision of strong swimmers would give the remainder of her clan survival and safety skills. he has a very good point, and she's digging her heels in against it without providing any sort of reasonable counterargument. or any counter argument at all.
so sorrelclaw is shrewlight's mom?
that jump to nettleleap's point of view is extremely jarring and awkward. i really recommend revising to trim to a single pov per chapter. visiting every single cat takes so long, and means you spend more time focusing on unnecessary details while not propelling the plot further along
oooh, you still haven't explained why batstar thinks the quakes are on her. make sure you keep the ball rolling on that. if you only mention it the once and never address it, it's a loose end that could have had potential. you don't have to answer it all at once (doing it in hints and stages actually keeps the reader engaged), but it needs to be done.
oh no. oh dear. that's a very big tragedy for dustpaw on top of everything. i feel so bad for him.
the warrior/deputy ceremony is a decent distraction from the thought of a search party, if a little abrupt. i'm still watching thicketstorm because that coughing up blood thing also hasn't been addressed any further than its initial appearance...
wait, sorrelclaw is pregnant? if her kits are coming any day, she should not be moving around as much as she seems to be. not to mention the flood put her at serious risk for complications between the stress and the activity of it all. try to make it clearer just how pregnant she is sooner.
how long have dust and spider been gone? a few hours? a couple sunrises? try to give the reader a little more scope of the timing.
oof. maybe ease off and spend more time on thicketstorm's cough? the cough gets overshadowed quickly by the kitting, which goes absurdly quickly and smoothly. kittings are tough to include because they're so high stakes and dramatic, but they have a tendency to blot out anything else that's important.
dang. they talk about spiderheart like he's already dead, and dustpaw doesn't even get mentioned. ouch.
try to give a sense dust and spider are being watched. maybe a faint scent or just the fur rising on the back of their neck for no reason. without some suspicion, she just pops up out of nowhere, like a puppet from behind a bush.
rouge means red, or makeup. you want rogue. common mistake.
ah, so they went down the wrong branch of the river. that means trouble. i like it.
okay, on the whole, you're onto something. you've introduced a lot of conflict that could propel the story forward, and you have a relatively small cast of characters compared to many warriors fics. that's good. that makes it harder for your pov focus to wander. the trouble is that it still does, so my biggest advice would be to tighten up the pov. chapter seven was actually really good for this because it was mostly focused on the meeting with lilly through dustpaw's eyes, which is the kind of structure i've been talking about. try to revise this fic in such a way that your pov is restricted to one cat, two tops per chapter, and if you have to switch between povs in a chapter, make the transition smooth instead of just leaping to another cat who wasn't anywhere near the previous pov character.
keep up the good work. you've got some stuff to work on, but you also have a solid start to work off of here. c: