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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 9:56:21 GMT -5
I don't know what I'm doing anymore... why do I even try being a good person? Nobody actually cares... not even my family. I try talking to my mom, she just yells at me for thinking of myself. My dad doesn't even.respond when I talk to him anymore, he just ignores me. And just now I try venting to my brother, and he doesn't even listen. I try asking him to listen and he screams "I'm so sorry I have a freaking life!"
And that is what just killed me. I'm so flipping sorry I DON'T have a damn life, so freaking sorry I'm a worthless, poor excuse of a person, so sorry that I need my FAMILY now more than ever. And I'm sorry I'm clearly not good enough for you, your own daughter, your own sister... I hate everything... I need to get out... this is a toxic environment, but no employers want me either... I am not capable of moving out... I'm a worthless person, and I want to just slit my own throat so freaking much, but I can't... not only am I afraid to die, but I have my kid to think about... but I won't lie, I kinda hope I die in childbirth. That way I die, but my baby lives....
I don't know... I need a hug, but nobody in my life cares enough too... :'( I don't know what to do... I'm so fed up with everyone being abusive to me, because that's exactly what they are. They abuse me emotionally. Because I'm a failure of a person, and that's all I'll ever be.
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Asexual
#A4ACE3
Невыносимая коммунизм
COMMUNIST ㅤㅤㅤㅤDICTATORㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤKEVIN
"ι need тнoѕe old people тo wнιѕper мy naмe wнen тнey dιe"
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Post by Невыносимая коммунизм on Oct 30, 2016 10:02:53 GMT -5
You're valid, and I love you. I am a major in psychology. PM me so we can talk.
-=Kiss My Kids!=-
-=Kiss all of them. Do it for Kevin.=-
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 10:11:19 GMT -5
Clear, I don't think you should put yourself down for trying to do good. I'm sorry you're family is ignoring you.
What did the gas station that you applied to tell you? Did they give any useful feedback?
You and your child are worth so much. Please don't hope to die, now or later. In my opinion, you shouldn't move out unless you know for a fact that you can sustain yourself with no doubt or uncertainty. Which makes you stuck with your family, but at least you get resources. If you'd ever like extra input for a resume or anything like that I can offer an extra set of eyes, but I feel like that's all I could do to help.
I feel like virtual hugs kinda suck to be honest, they don't do too much for me. But if it helps, know that people are out there who care and are worried, and who think about you and send up an occasional prayer to whatever. You aren't a failure. Failing in a few steps of your life doesn't have to define you as a whole. I'd really recommend going out for a walk even if it's for just like 10 minutes, and either clear your mind or just think things through step by step.
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I can't...
Oct 30, 2016 14:51:36 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 14:51:36 GMT -5
It's just really hard... the gas station said they couldn't hire me since I was fired in the past, didn't matter what the reason was...
I want to believe I'm worth something, but it's impossible... my mom said when I can get my birth certificate ordered and get my social security card, I can apply for government help. A fire had previously taken those things from me, so once they are replaced I have so much more opportunity. But I still feel like even if I get a job, and receive government help, it won't be enough... I want my baby to live a happy, healthy life. I don't want to be stuck in the ghetto or in any projects. That's where most violence and drug dealers end up being at.
I have one friend, after I told her about my pregnancy, suggested abortion. I immediately said that wasn't on the table. She also suggested adoption, but I want to ensure my baby grows up knowing its loved by the one who gave birth to it, not to mention I've heard stories of the American adoption system being a terrible place. But even if it's wonderful and great, I'm just... too selfish to do that. I already love it, and giving it up would tear my heart to shreds... I ended up snapping and got into a blow up with my family and told them "maybe I should abort the baby and kill myself. Or just kill myself, save you guys the trouble" but as soon as I said it, I knew that was wrong. I can't imagine taking my baby's life. Even if it is just a "fetus" at this point, in my eyes it's my child. But, I'm also afraid my temper will come out and I'll be verbally abusive to my child, and after verbal abuse physical follows. I'm terrified of that, I don't ever want to hurt my baby, ever. I already love it with everything I have, but it seems when I get close to anyone my rage shows itself... it happens with my parents, my brother, even the baby's father... which is probably why he rejected me when I told him I was pregnant... I can't take my medication, it would cause too much harm to my baby, I'm not willing to risk my baby's life for my own mental health.
Apparently my mom is telling the people who do know that I'm doing a good job in putting my baby first, and is proud of me. But I don't know if I truly am... I know adoption might be better for it, and help a couple who want children but can't. But I just... don't want to do that... the thought just hurts too much...
I was crying yesterday because I was spotting a bit, which can be a sign of a miscarriage. But it hasn't come back, so it should be okay. But my mom says I need to learn to control my emotions. The constant stress I'm under isn't good for either me or the baby... but it's so hard to control myself, and being pregnant, my hormones are ravaging my mind even worse...
All in all, I'm scared of what's to come...
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Asexual
#A4ACE3
Невыносимая коммунизм
COMMUNIST ㅤㅤㅤㅤDICTATORㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤKEVIN
"ι need тнoѕe old people тo wнιѕper мy naмe wнen тнey dιe"
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Post by Невыносимая коммунизм on Oct 30, 2016 15:06:44 GMT -5
It's just really hard... the gas station said they couldn't hire me since I was fired in the past, didn't matter what the reason was... I want to believe I'm worth something, but it's impossible... my mom said when I can get my birth certificate ordered and get my social security card, I can apply for government help. A fire had previously taken those things from me, so once they are replaced I have so much more opportunity. But I still feel like even if I get a job, and receive government help, it won't be enough... I want my baby to live a happy, healthy life. I don't want to be stuck in the ghetto or in any projects. That's where most violence and drug dealers end up being at. I have one friend, after I told her about my pregnancy, suggested abortion. I immediately said that wasn't on the table. She also suggested adoption, but I want to ensure my baby grows up knowing its loved by the one who gave birth to it, not to mention I've heard stories of the American adoption system being a terrible place. But even if it's wonderful and great, I'm just... too selfish to do that. I already love it, and giving it up would tear my heart to shreds... I ended up snapping and got into a blow up with my family and told them "maybe I should abort the baby and kill myself. Or just kill myself, save you guys the trouble" but as soon as I said it, I knew that was wrong. I can't imagine taking my baby's life. Even if it is just a "fetus" at this point, in my eyes it's my child. But, I'm also afraid my temper will come out and I'll be verbally abusive to my child, and after verbal abuse physical follows. I'm terrified of that, I don't ever want to hurt my baby, ever. I already love it with everything I have, but it seems when I get close to anyone my rage shows itself... it happens with my parents, my brother, even the baby's father... which is probably why he rejected me when I told him I was pregnant... I can't take my medication, it would cause too much harm to my baby, I'm not willing to risk my baby's life for my own mental health. Apparently my mom is telling the people who do know that I'm doing a good job in putting my baby first, and is proud of me. But I don't know if I truly am... I know adoption might be better for it, and help a couple who want children but can't. But I just... don't want to do that... the thought just hurts too much... I was crying yesterday because I was spotting a bit, which can be a sign of a miscarriage. But it hasn't come back, so it should be okay. But my mom says I need to learn to control my emotions. The constant stress I'm under isn't good for either me or the baby... but it's so hard to control myself, and being pregnant, my hormones are ravaging my mind even worse... All in all, I'm scared of what's to come...
What do you like to do? Reading, taking a nap, or even takign a walk can clear these negative feelings. Once you feel better; I would search for more job opportunities.
-=Kiss My Kids!=-
-=Kiss all of them. Do it for Kevin.=-
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I can't...
Oct 30, 2016 15:41:39 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 15:41:39 GMT -5
I like walking, I usually walk every day if I can. And I'll get a job as soon as my stuff is replaced
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