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Post by Owlmoon on Mar 17, 2017 7:19:44 GMT -5
I didn't expect another update so soon.... but yay!
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 17, 2017 7:28:10 GMT -5
Lol yeah, I've been on a roll lately xD
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Post by Owlmoon on Mar 17, 2017 7:49:42 GMT -5
No kidding...
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 17, 2017 8:09:48 GMT -5
So how did you like the ending? O:
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 19, 2017 22:47:20 GMT -5
The Epilogue is now up! Look forward to seeing how things go down in the next installment-- ⇝ Ɠαтнєяιηg Sтσям ϟ
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Post by Owlmoon on Mar 20, 2017 6:48:30 GMT -5
The epilogue is great!
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 20, 2017 8:02:19 GMT -5
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it x3
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Post by Owlmoon on Mar 21, 2017 7:12:28 GMT -5
OMG! I JUST FINSHED ANOTHER FIC WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Post by Jackalstep on Mar 22, 2017 0:13:51 GMT -5
Congrats on finishing this!
I really do mean to finish reading it. It's been so long that I think I'll have to start over, though. My goal is to read it during spring break.
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 23, 2017 19:41:22 GMT -5
Owlmoon LOL that's how I felt when I finished this xD Jackalstep That's fine x3 Thanks for reading! <3
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 26, 2017 4:07:57 GMT -5
Just bumping this up c:
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Post by Jackalstep on Mar 29, 2017 13:13:12 GMT -5
Just finished it. Great job, I liked it a lot! For a moment, I was like, is that it? And then I realized that you do have a sequel, which I want to start reading.
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Mar 30, 2017 18:27:59 GMT -5
Just finished it. Great job, I liked it a lot! For a moment, I was like, is that it? And then I realized that you do have a sequel, which I want to start reading. Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it x3 And I'll be bumping that topic up in just a sec, so it'll be easier to find c:
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Apr 19, 2017 22:39:32 GMT -5
Bump~ c:
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Rує
So many story ideas, and so little time!
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Post by Rує on Apr 23, 2017 19:24:57 GMT -5
I'm only on chapter 2, but this is great so far, and I'm excited to read more of it later!
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Apr 26, 2017 11:55:03 GMT -5
I'm only on chapter 2, but this is great so far, and I'm excited to read more of it later! It's glad you like it! <3 And thank yiu! x3
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Asexual
ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ
do you walk in the valley of kings? do you walk in the shadow of men who sold their lives to dream?
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Post by ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ on May 15, 2017 20:47:31 GMT -5
i swear, i've picked this up and set it down again eight thousand times because school is merciless but HALLELUJAH SWEET SUMMER so enjoy the play by play reply haha. all my reactions, bundled into one neat (maybe messy) little post. nifty.
prologue
look, it just isn't dramatic enough if it's not in a storm, haha. but real talk. they're seen as cliche, but with the right content, they really work. storms are excellent for covering tracks.
so. what makes the kit so important? has to be something about their circumstance and not their character if they're so young.
No! My son must live! I must make it through this! [she] stubbornly reminded herself. change to lowercase here, as if it were dialogue, since it's like a sentence continuation.
the river taking her to [its] shadowy depths. remove the apostrophe since you're using the possessive and not "it is." i always hate when these slip through in editing.
chapter one
Why did I get chosen for dawn patrol? a small ginger tabby she-cat... same as thought/dialogue comparison above, so go lower case on that a
also firepaw? same. mornings are evil. so evil.
“Honestly[,] Firepaw!” her mentor snapped. comma included because this is direct address, and you always have a comma before a name/nickname in direct address
i notice you use a lot of adverbs. not always a bad thing, but consider stronger verbs. "groused" in place of "muttered groggily" and things like that. or other description of actions that convey the tone. like cloudflight "mewed briskly" could be conveyed by how sharply she marches off again, or the prim way she lifts her chin, or whatever suggests a crispness to her demeanor.
Waiting by the entrance, were Firepaw's campmates... no correction, just interesting to see campmates instead of clanmates!
“I just have more of it when it isn't being up at dawn!” weird wording to finish that out. try "when i'm not up at dawn!" instead?
i live in the dark too, pineclan. it's okay. be a hermit with me, kitties. join me in living in a cave of blankets and stuff.
nothing like fishing a live cat out of the water. man, how on earth did he ever manage to survive? sheer luck? poor guy.
chapter two
omg i love the hassled medicine cat trope. just let them work, kids! patience!
lots of "the tom" in this opening that makes it a little tricky to follow who's who if you don't take it really really slow. not sure what i would recommend to fix it necessarily, but it can't hurt to be aware of it.
why do i always feel the urge to adopt the medicine cat apprentices in fics? they're always such good kiddos, trying their best. gosh. and then we authors throw them headlong into hell.
Echostar looked at him thoughtfully, exchanging a glance with Whispersong. it's looks like these that get my plot point radar humming... just a general assessment glance? or do these two know something they're not willing to expand on yet?
chapter three
i'm always mixed on "young outsider conveniently of apprentice age is apprenticed" as a plot point. granted, it fuels shadowpaw's story here, but still, i feel like there's gotta be something to spice it up, make it more unique and engaging... though maybe this is just hypocritical coming from me, given how htmf takes off. ah well. this is still a stellar fic, single trope that's not my cup of tea aside, so really, no worries.
such a warm response to the apprenticing of a total stranger. does make me miss into the wild a little bit; not much can top the rusty/longtail fight right at the start, with the snapped collar. peak drama and excellence to middle school me lol.
hmmm again, plot point radar is humming with those three aspects of the code. maybe in universe, sage lists them first because that's the order, but on the reader/writer side, you mention things in threes because they're very important (if not now, later), and they should be noted.
chapter four
normally, dream/nightmare sequences are tough to capture because they're always so surreal, but i like that you focus more on the panic of the dream than the dream itself, which makes shadow's reaction good stuff.
fun fact: it would not actually be a herd of foxes, because they're one of those animals with weird group names! a group of foxes is called a skulk or a leash. no need to change here, of course, just trivia.
Tilting his head, he tried to remember where he had seen her before. hmm, a very good question. because it's possible he saw her before the river, or possibly knew a cat who looked like her...
firepaw's brand of sarcasm is exactly my own and i adore her for it.
Friendly and with a death wish, Shadowpaw sighed. He sure picked some interesting cats to share a den with. what a good one-liner!
shooting a meaning[ful] glance [at] her apprentice. small changes for better flow
shadow, sweet child, you have so little training, and you're going to go fight whatever might be killing cats? oh dear.
chapter five
well hey, there's that badger that's more likable than cloudflight! except i think i'd choose cloudflight any day.
aaaaaand there goes firepaw. bless her reckless heart.
remind me, is alderleaf firepaw's pops?
yep, okay, he's her dad.
chapter six
another dream! this poor cat. he can't get in a good night's rest, can he?
A hungry growl rumbled in Shadowpaw's stomach, reminding him how hungry he was. change the first "hungry" to another adjective
sagepelt is a prime example of a good soft dad character and he warms my heart. don't you dare hurt him going forward.
the image of shadow shimmying over the log and not quite making it is so cute djhfjkshfjdjlgkjdf
so was the nightmare ravine chance? or memory? because if it's the latter, i'm wondering under what circumstances he saw it before...
chapter seven
so the ravine has a call. is it that one psychological thing, that nonsense urge to jump from high places, or will we see some vague fantasy aspects in this fic, given some time?
[its] gnarled old roots jutting out of the ground. wrong "its" here
A lot of [apprentices] like to hunt among the bushes and roots here. no apostrophe because you're talking about the plural, not the possessive
gosh the elders have so much personality. i'd love to see firepaw and frosttail set some of their differences aside and make a killer sarcasm team. it could happen.
Shadowpaw nodded, feeling a little better. “Okay[,] Sagepelt.”
i have so many questions about cinder, mostly because every time i had to set this down for school, i got back to her introduction and had to quit again. she interests me because i feel like she's neither protagonist nor quite antagonist at this point. she seems to occupy a morally grey area that could swing either way in time.
chapter nine
so was the prologue queen his mother? or was this another cat? because the way cinder talks, it sounds like their mother is alive, but the way the prologue reads, it seems as if the queen in question drowned. and even if she didn't, it seems like she committed some kind of crime, so how would she be alive and well with the rogues cinder is a part of? maybe i don't know enough yet, it doesn't seem like she would be forgiven and forgotten, especially if they were after shadow and he was lost to the river.
chapter ten
Echostar would have [torn] your fur off and left it for the foxes! "tore" is simple past, you need perfect tense "have torn" here
this fic does go through a lot of training sequences in between plot points. sometimes, that slows it down a little.
“Patience is a virtue[,] young warrior.” more direct address
chapter eleven
i'd like to know more about ivypaw. she seems like the type to watch and learn before charging in, like she's careful and clever.
Skylight quickly flashed the she-cat a stern look, and she flinched away. sharing too much clan news, or was that a more sinister look? hmmm...
how did echostar already know about sandstar's murder before the rest of her clan? if there had been an earlier runner, someone else would have noticed sooner.
chapter twelve
i get the sense that this is always the last chapter i've read because everything else is still familiar so far.
wait, has anyone really introduced the concept of starclan to shadow yet? it seems weird for him to be worrying about starclan's fury when the storm rolls in.
All you do is sit and listen to the [leaders], and then go back home with the Clan. no apostrophe
interesting that reedclan's med cat is reedsplash. usually the name of a clan becomes taboo as a prefix for cats born within that clan.
END THE STEREOTYPE OF CATS LIVING IN THE SHADE BEING SHADY [read as: i feel very strongly about this topic and will argue for grey morality every chance i get instead of black and white good and bad, honest and dishonest, etc.]
meaningful red glare ??? how is the glare red? she's a cat. cats do not have red eyes unless you're working with fantasy content
chapter thirteen
yes, okay, i have not read any of this chapter yet. onward, to new reading territory!
why would firepaw and shadowpaw be chosen to go to the cavern? have the other apprentices already made the journey at least once? if not, they have seniority, so why not bring them along?
also. have you considered making a mock-up map of the territories? i can sort of picture where everything belongs, but it's still a little fuzzy.
“Let's go[,] Rabbitpaw,” he ordered...
starslugs omg. of all things that could be sacred, you chose slugs. it's entirely unexpected and i love it.
PROPHECY TIME, MY DUDES. but also. who is she.
chapter fourteen
oh ho. cinder must have seen them go. this gets more interesting by the minute while still retaining a lot of flavor from the canon series.
ECHOSTAR KNOWS MORE THAN SHE HAS LET ON HMMMMMMMM
so she knows him, and he wants shadow back. what purpose does one young cat serve in a rogue group that's clearly already capable of great violence?
chapter fifteen
definitely a slow chapter. i honestly think you could cut most of this and condense the important bits into a coherent segment that you can then attach to the next chapter.
chapter sixteen
“I wasn't talking to you,” [she] replied pointedly.
hawk is a lowdown liar and i officially do not trust him for a heartbeat, especially not with his own children.
“Yes, [but that's] all.”
i keep loving ivypaw. she's a little odd, but it's very endearing, and i do love a quiet, clever character.
was it intentional for rainpaw to get the same suffix as his mentor? but good for him, he did it. c:
holy SMOKES do i love stories about wrestling with the idea of blood family vs found family. keep that up.
chapter seventeen
Shadowpaw has [chosen] to join you for the patrol
so. do the rogues hide in the ravine fog? because that could explain how they seem to come out of nowhere, and it would enforce the ravine's significance.
PROPHECY CAT RETURNS. i suspect it means that he has to confront his past with the rogues.
chapter eighteen
but is it a warriors fic without a kitting?
chapter nineteen
haha, stonetail. gee, i wonder why that's a name i'm very fond of.
oh geez. birth and possible death right around the same day. that's tough.
chapter twenty
i'm not sure if i ship firexshadow, since i'm slow to ship, but i do value their friendship a lot and i'm worried about how this is gonna go for firepaw.
epilogue
YAY, SLEETWHISKER, MY BACKGROUND CHARACTER SON.
oh. oh dang. you saved the title right for the end. also, shoutout to having cryptic prophecies that aren't immediately explained? because that gets so old. this is fresh, though, and gives me time to think as a reader, which i super appreciate. time to puzzle and think is very good.
off to gathering storm!
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on May 15, 2017 21:33:00 GMT -5
Ah thanks so much for the in-depth reply! <3
I just now got home xD
The queen and kit in the Prologue do hold significance, but their identities and fates won't be known until later in Gathering Storm x3
Cinder is also a fun character to write. While most of my characters you tend to know their train of thought, Cinder's isn't so obvious. She could be evil, she could be good, or she could be in-between. Shadow will learn soon enough just what the true nature of his sister is soon ^^
Oh! And I did make a map lol. I'll have to go fetch it up real quick
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on May 15, 2017 21:34:20 GMT -5
And here's the map! c:
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on May 15, 2017 21:49:44 GMT -5
not a problem! c: it was fun to do. no worries, haha! take your time, no rush. hhhhhhh making me wait? how cruel, pika. how very cruel. (i would do the same tbh. good on you. writer me is proud of you, and reader me is suffering.) she definitely has a layer of complexity that i really really wanna get into. same with ivypaw. you're doing an awesome job gradually opening firepaw up, though! she's blossoming slowly with a lot of emotional depth even if her first response is sarcasm or anger. mkay, so which bit is which, since it's not labeled? for clarity's sake. Cinder, unlike her brother, is deeply troubled by many things. However, Shadow doesn't have any memories--so he has no idea what he and his sister have been through the first 6 months of their life. Soon we'll learn just what the story is behind Shadow's memory loss, him being in the river, and his past in general. Gathering Storm will elaborate/set up the stage for Shadow's own destiny and purpose, and just what Cinder's motives are--whether they be pure or not. Ivypaw is a fun character to write haha. She is very keen and observant, and doesn't feel the need to talk much. She's a huge mystery to Shadow, and he can never guess what she's thinking lol. Firepaw has a lot more to her than just sarcasm and anger, that's for sure! And with her POV chapters in Gathering Storm, you'll be able to see just how much she matures and grows--but yet she'll always have that sharp/sarcastic tongue! Lol And for the map, the bottom left is ReedClan--the big green clump being their camp location. LeafClan is the bottom right, the darker trees being the camp and the dune-looking thing being the Hollow Pit. The weird dune/river thing just above LeafClan is the Foggy Ravine, with PineClan right above it. To the left is BreezeClan, and smack-dab in the center is the Gathering Ravine. The black on the upper left corner is the Thunderpath, with the Cavern of Stars just beyond it c:
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Post by Mosspool on May 17, 2017 9:57:15 GMT -5
I'm on chapter thirteen right now and I'm really enjoying the story! I love Shadowpaw so much, he's so cute! I was going to request to be a fan but then I realized that I already was one whoops xD
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Post by Mosspool on May 17, 2017 19:05:29 GMT -5
I'm on chapter thirteen right now and I'm really enjoying the story! I love Shadowpaw so much, he's so cute! I was going to request to be a fan but then I realized that I already was one whoops xD Okay finished everything! It broke my heart when Shadowpaw left! I've got to go read the second one now.
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on May 17, 2017 22:57:58 GMT -5
Thank you for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it <3
Shadow is definitely a precious smol bean x3
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on May 18, 2017 21:25:32 GMT -5
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 5, 2017 1:45:15 GMT -5
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Nov 21, 2017 18:05:12 GMT -5
Just bumping this old guy up lol.
Not necroposting Mods! Part one of my Fanfic so please leave be!
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Post by ѕαcяєɗмσση on Nov 29, 2017 14:50:49 GMT -5
Found the thread! Now I just need to catch up with it cx
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Nov 30, 2017 19:12:46 GMT -5
Found the thread! Now I just need to catch up with it cx Sounds good to me! Let me know what you think x3
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Dec 13, 2017 22:09:21 GMT -5
Bump
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