The sky was clear over the ShadowClan camp, providing a decent view of the lake and the stars for Tigerheart as he lay on one of the lower branches of a tree bordering the camp. It was late and the evening was cool, not sticky like it would be later in Greenleaf. The clans were gathering under the full moon but he opted out of going, as he’d done ever since- well, ever since. Tigerheart was tired but he found he couldn’t sleep, found the bramble thicket where the warrior’s slept a little too stifling despite how empty it now was since the Great Battle.
His sister was in the nursery with Snowbird and both she cats were expecting kits- and he avoided them both like they had blackcough. It was good for the clan because they needed warriors, good for his sister because she’d found a cat to love her, good for his mother because it gave her something to focus on other than him, but it wasn’t good for him.
It was hard now, hard each and every sunrise, but he tried his best. He still got up and fought to protect his clan, feed his clanmates, but it was…hard. Things had been hard for moons now, and they didn’t seem to get any easier.
He looked out at the lake, and if he squinted hard enough and threw in a bit of imagination he could see the island and the cats there. He could have gone to the gathering, if he’d wanted, and for a time it was knowing she would be there that kept him away but now…he just no longer wanted to go.
“Tigerheart?” it was Pinenose. The black she cat stood beneath him, only her amber eyes visible in the night. She was kind and took to checking in on him occasionally.
“I’m here,” he meowed. He started to leap down and join her then thought against it.
“How’s the view up there?” she asked.
“Probably just as good as the view down there,” he told her. He hadn’t meant it to sound the way it did but it was too late.
“Oh, you think looking up at your fluffy haunches is a good view?” she teased.
“I- I wouldn’t call myself fluffy.”
“Well it was nicer than saying plump; which is what happens to cats who sit around napping all day and night,” Pinenose meowed. He knew she didn’t mean it but it was also partially true- the napping part not the plump part.
“Perhaps plump is the new look for ShadowClan. Out with the lean and in with the plump,” he tried to be more cheerful and she welcomed it, and for a moment it actually made him feel that way. He arched his back then leapt down beside her. He turned to look at her-
“You can stay, Tigerheart.” He jerked away violently at the sound of Ivypool’s mew and it was followed quickly by the comforting scent of the nursery. He shook his head; I’m in my camp, in my home. Pinenose was staring at him as if he’d lost his ears.
“Sorry, guess my body fell asleep up there even if I didn’t,” he meowed quickly. Though she didn’t press him further she still regarded him with suspicion and he could tell that she would be cataloging this with the rest of the weird behaviors she and the rest of the clan witnessed him display. Things had, after all, been hard for him; that much they knew. They just didn’t know why.
…
Ivypool followed Hollystar up the rocky ledge to her den immediately after the gathering. Despite her desire to sleep she need to speak about what happened- or rather what didn’t. She couldn’t stand another moment of not talking about the sleeping badger that lived just outside of ThunderClan. As soon as they were alone in her den she launched into it.
“What was that? Why wouldn’t he say something? He has to know, there’s no way he wouldn’t- that means that he’s planning something else, something bigger-“
“Relax Ivypool. If he didn’t say anything then he probably doesn’t know. We don’t know that he knows; it just seemed like, if he wanted to make a play for your kits, the gathering would be the best place to do it. Now we get back to our clan lives,” Hollystar meowed, her tone even.
“Until when? We can’t get back to our regular lives while he still has this, this power over us Hollystar. He can’t just walk into this camp anytime he wants and take my kits!”
“You’re right, he can’t,” Hollystar meowed, the alarm in her voice clear. “No cat is taking your kits, that’s the one thing we know for sure.”
“We don’t know that for sure, but we could,” Ivypool began. Hollystar’s whisker’s twitched curiously. “I need to speak with Tigerheart.”
“Absolutely not,” Hollystar meowed sternly.
“Excuse me?” Ivypool was taken back; she hadn’t expected Hollystar to outright refuse her.
“Ivypool, you’re my deputy and you’re talking to your clan leader; I need you to think like it,” Hollystar told her.
“You’re the one who let Tigerheart into camp to see me after I gave birth. You’re the one who allowed me to tell him-“
“To be clear I allowed him in to see his kits, and I did that as your friend, not as your clan leader. And I didn’t allow you to tell him- it wasn’t my place to make that choice for you. But no, I’m not going to allow you to antagonize the situation further by talking to Tigerheart.”
“I’m not going to antagonize anything! I just need to find out if he has any intentions of being in his kits’ lives,” Ivypool explained.
“Ivypool I think he made it clear that he doesn’t,” Hollystar meowed.
“How?”
“Because he hasn’t even attempted to see them since the first time,” Hollystar meowed.
“But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be in their lives, that he doesn’t want them. He probably feels afraid or knows he can’t see them without raising eyebrows- he doesn’t know that the clan knows Hollystar.” Hollystar narrowed her eyes.
“Ivypool, do you want him to want to be in their lives? Is that what this is really about?” Hollystar asked.
“No! Well I’m not doing this because I want him to, but of course I want him to- they’re his kits! Why wouldn’t I want that?” Ivypool objected, a little flustered. “I’m not trying to force him into anything I just need to know.”
“Ivypool the best thing for your kits- for this clan is that he doesn’t. As long as he doesn’t we don’t have to go to war with ShadowClan over kits that belong in our clan. You going to see him will only set him off,” Hollystar’s blunt words only served to further frustrate Ivypool.
“No, what’s best for my kits is that their parents are taking care of them,” Ivypool meowed. “Both of their parents.”
“That’s what you want Ivypool, and if you weren’t my deputy I would understand that. But be practical. Unless you plan to go live in ShadowClan there is no scenario where that will happen. The reality is pushing Tigerheart or Blackstar means we end up fighting over custody, and one of us will lose. If it’s ShadowClan then great, but if it’s us- then what?”
“So you think that what’s best for my kits is to keep their father out of their lives,” Ivypool began, a drop of anger brewing inside her.
“What I know is that Tigerheart already isn’t in their lives,” Hollystar meowed. “In a perfect world he would be, but we don’t live in a perfect world. I get it Ivypool; you don’t want your kits to grow up feeling abandoned. Lost. As half-clan cats. But they are half-clan, and the only way to minimize the amount of trouble that causes them is to keep things as they are. Tigerheart isn’t trying to change that; why are you?”
“Because this isn’t what I want!” Ivypool shouted. She sighed, seeing the understanding in Hollystar’s green eyes. “None of this is what I want. And I feel like a mousebrained fool for even saying it but it’s true. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
“I know. It’s not what I want either. But this is where we are. I’m the clan leader and you’re my deputy; that means we can’t act selfishly out of our own interest. I don’t want to have to make these decisions but I do. We do. To keep your kits safe and to keep our clan safe, this is how it is,” Ivypool knew that Hollystar was right; this was what was best for her clan, their clan. And she was the deputy; that meant she had to put her clan first. But I’m also a mother. I have to put my kits first too- I don’t want them to suffer because of the things I did. Tigerheart should be in their lives and they shouldn’t have to be caught up in a tug of war between two clans.
“Ivypool?”
“You’re right, Hollystar. You’re right,” Ivypool meowed quickly. She was right, but she was also wrong. Ivypool didn’t try to sound convincing because she knew that Hollystar knew she wasn’t satisfied with the answer. “I’ll head back to my nest and get some sleep.”
Ivypool turned and left, her head at war with her heart. As she slipped down the stone path in the moonlit camp she realized where she was headed; for the warrior’s den. She was the deputy, she should be sleeping in there with her warriors. But she wasn’t. Why am I doing this? Why am I trying to live two lives at once? The thought stopped her dead in her tracks. When did I become the old Ivypool again?
…
“Wildkit quit it!” Ivypool laughed to herself as her daughter cried out, batting her brother over his ears. Wildkit was pulling at her tail as they played with Foxleap. Lightkit was curled up beside her, a tiny ball of silver tabby fur pressed neatly into her side.
“I’m just playing Morningkit don’t be such a whiner!” Wildkit objected, dark amber eyes so like his father’s as he turned to Ivypool for her approval. “Ivypool tell her to play right!”
“Wildkit, if she doesn’t want you pulling her tail don’t,” Ivypool told him.
“Hmmp. Now say you’re sorry furball!” Morningkit turned up her nose at her brother and held her tail high as she waited for her apology.
“For what? I didn’t do anything wrong!” Wildkit objected.
“Sometimes you don’t think you did something wrong, but if you hurt someone you should still apologize,” Foxleap told him. Though his tone was a little stern the slight quiver of his long whiskers gave away that he found the whole situation as funny as she did. Wildkit and Morningkit often fought about anything and everything from who was sleeping in who’s spot to the color of the feathers on the sparrow Ivypool ate yesterday. Lightkit was different; he was more reserved and spent his time right next to Ivypool, either napping or refereeing his siblings.
“But I was just playing! It’s not my fault she can’t play right!” Wildkit was stubborn and Morningkit was opinionated, and when the two butted heads it almost always required someone else to break it up.
“Do you two want to spend the rest of the day in the nursery?” Ivypool warned, running her tongue over her white muzzle.
“No,” they both replied begrudgingly.
“Then Wildkit, apologize to your sister,” Ivypool told him.
“I’m sorry Morningkit,” he grumbled, staring at his paws. Then he looked up at her. “I shouldn’t have pulled your tail.”
“I guess it’s okay. Can we play some more Foxleap?” Morningkit turned to the dark ginger tabby, her bright blue eyes over the recent scuffle.
“Can you show us how to hunt?” Wildkit was as enthusiastic as ever as he flexed his little claws. “I want to catch a rabbit!”
“More like a rabbit will catch you at your size,” Foxleap teased. Since her kits were born Foxleap took a liking to them, finding spare time to play with and engage them. She liked that they had a ThunderClan warrior to do that so she didn’t question it or stop him; privately she hoped it was a sign that the clan would fully embrace her kits.
“Hey! That’s not fair! I may be small now but I’m going to get big one day!” Wildkit puffed out his chest fur as he stood up to Foxleap as if he were actually menacing.
“I bet you’ll be the biggest warrior in the forest,” Foxleap indulged him and he burst with pride at the thought.
“I bet he’ll be a big ol’ furball!” Morningkit teased.
“Ivypool,” Cloudtail announced himself as he approached Ivypool; he lead the dawn patrol this morning to check on the ShadowClan border. “Everything is quiet. We got there after their patrol left.”
“Thanks Cloudtail,” Ivypool meowed, holding in a breath of relief. She immediately returned her attention to her kits. She felt Lightkit stir beside her and looked down at him. He blinked his light green eyes open and yawned, his little pointed teeth showing. Ivypool felt a wave of emotion for him, for all her kits; they were perfect.
“Do you have to go Ivypool?” Lightkit asked, nuzzling closer to her. She covered him with her tail.
“Not this time little one. Enjoy your nap.”
…
The sunlight was warming the forest floor as it trickled down through the thick greenleaf foliage, giving Hollystar great comfort as she padded alongside Leafpool. Leafpool was out collecting goldenrod or catmint or some kind of root- Hollystar hadn’t really been listening when she saw Leafpool leaving camp. She just wanted to speak with the medicine cat alone, out of camp, so she tagged along.
Things had been…challenging for Hollystar since she became leader. She once had a clear image of what that would look like before she ever believed it would happen, but the reality of it was quite different. In truth she couldn’t help but long for a more traditional transition from warrior to deputy to leader, and that it would have happened during a time when her becoming leader would be the headline, not the side story.
“Hollystar, I can feel how anxious you are,” Leafpool meowed, something almost motherly to her tone that still made Hollystar cringe just a little. “Did you want to talk about something?”
“I do- Ivypool,” she sensed a change in Leafpool as soon as she said the name of her deputy. She knew that the two developed a sort of friendship, more so than Ivypool and Jayfeather did- or would. Leafpool delivered her kits and was there for her when she told
Tigerheart, something Hollystar was beginning to wish she’d stopped from happening. “I’ve been thinking about her as my deputy.”
Leafpool stopped walking and turned to face Hollystar, her amber eyes churning with thought. “And by that you mean…”
“I’m not saying that I don’t think she should be the deputy- I just…I’m having second thoughts,” Hollystar admitted.
“Why did you make her your deputy Hollystar?” Leafpool asked.
“Because I trusted her-I trust her. I know what she’s done, what she’s been through and how much her loyalty to this clan has been tested and what it meant for her to stand by her clan and fight against the Dark Forest- what it really meant for her to kill Hawkfrost. But also because she was a hero to the forest- I hoped that her popularity would help smooth the rocky transition I had to leader,” Hollystar explained.
“And now that she has kits with a cat from another clan you’re having second thoughts,” Leafpool guessed.
“Not that- just the problems that it causes. I almost don’t care about her kits being half ShadowClan because I know there’s no divided loyalty on her part and there won’t be on her kits part, so long as they aren’t shunned by the clan. But if I knew she was pregnant with Tigerheart’s kits then I wouldn’t have made her deputy,” that was the reason she chose to discuss this with Leafpool instead of Jayfeather; her brother had a lot of good qualities but being understanding wasn’t one of them. He still didn’t like Ivypool and so discussing this with him would have created its own set of problems.
“Because you think a she cat can’t be a nursing queen and a good deputy, or because her having half-clan kits causes problems that would make her less than ideal as a deputy?” Leafpool asked a very loaded question and there was a hint of- anger?
“I want to do the right thing for this clan, and so does Ivypool- except when it comes to her kits. And honestly, I can’t blame her. Looking back I would have wanted my- Crowfeather to have the chance to be in my life. Brambleclaw was a great father but- he wasn’t mine.”
Leafpool tensed for a moment then she let out a deep breath and lowered her head. When she lifted it again there was sadness in her amber eyes. “I’m beginning to see that this might be about you as much as it’s about her. Hollystar I lied to protect you, so that you wouldn’t be raised as anything other than ThunderClan warriors. But I also lied to protect me so that I would be able to move on from my past, and in doing so I stopped you from having Crowfeather in your life.”
“I used to think that you made the wrong choice too,” Hollystar told her, “But now…lying isn’t the answer, but it also made things a lot easier for a long time.”
“Up until the moment the truth came out and ruined everything,” Leafpool meowed. “A lie can’t live forever.”
“But if Ivypool hadn’t told Tigerheart and the clan didn’t know about their father we wouldn’t be in this position,” Hollystar meowed.
“Not right away, but eventually you would end up in a much worse one. One that may cause the clan to turn on you and Ivypool,” Leafpool told her. “Look at the path you walked because of a lie I told.”
“A lie that allowed me to become the clan leader, Jayfeather to become the medicine cat and Lionblaze to be a loyal and respected
ThunderClan warrior,” Hollystar countered.
“The truth is like the sun Hollystar. You can try and block it out if you want, but it’s not going anywhere,” Leafpool briefly touched her muzzle to Hollystar’s cheek.
“Well sometimes the sun is a little to bright,” Hollystar meowed, half joking.
“It usually is when you’ve been hiding in the dark,” Leafpool agreed. “But I do get what you’re saying. It would be easier if she’d lied. For now at least. But then you’d have to spend your time trying to keep that lie contained, which would lead to more and more lies. Tell me something: do you think Ivypool is a good deputy?”
“She is. I don’t know how she manages to be both a nursing queen and a full deputy, but she does,” Hollystar meowed.
“She does it because she has the support of the cats around her. I was able to live a lie because of my sister; she’s able to do even more because she’s living in her truth. I can’t say if she should remain your deputy or not- it’s not my place to make a call like that. And perhaps you may still decide to remove her. But make sure that, whatever you decide, you don’t do what is easy, but what is right. That way you’ll always be sure of the choice you’re making.”
“Right and wrong used to be so clear before I became a leader. But now…what’s right for the clan, what’s right for Ivypool, what’s right for her kits- how can they all be pulling in so many different directions?” Hollystar wondered, green eyes clouded with confusion.
“What’s right is right, that much hasn’t changed. Your responsibilities have grown, but that just means you have even more of an opportunity to become the cat you want to be. It wasn’t easy for any of the cats who came before you- being leader is never easy. That’s why it’s so special. The truth is it is easier for you when you aren’t the leader- so if easy is what you’re after then being leader isn’t for you. But I think you can handle it Hollystar.”
Hollystar felt a glow of warmth at Leafpool’s reassuring words, though it didn’t help her decide what to do about Ivypool. Cleverly Leafpool gave her advice without giving her an answer, so she felt like she would make the right choice even though she didn’t know what that choice was.
“ThunderClan sure has changed. All of this clan’s leadership is either the product of or the cause of a cat taking a mate from another clan,” Hollystar observed.
“And before that we had a former kittypet as a leader with the son of Tigerstar as his deputy. And Before that we had a clan leader who took a cat from RiverClan as her mate and gave her kits up to him as leader and then Tigerstar as her deputy. ThunderClan has never had it easy or simple, but we’ve always thrived.”
…
Still as an owl in a tree, Dovewing balanced herself delicately on her paws, eyes transfixed on a plump rabbit nosing around the roots of a young oak tree. She didn’t usually see rabbits this deep in ThunderClan territory because there wasn’t a lot of open space for them to run. She moved on silent paws, careful not to disturb the foraging rodent.
She took one more step-as close as she dared- before she exploded with action. The rabbit sprung towards the tree, scrambling in an attempt to flee. She pounced and landed where the rabbit was only a heartbeat before. Frustrated she charged after it, paws pounding the grass as she gave chase. The chase was short lived as the rabbit got caught in a thicket of brambles. She sent a silent prayer up to StarClan as she killed it, cursing herself for her messy catch.
“Nice catch,” Bumblestripe meowed as he padded towards her, his pale gray fur teasing at white in the bright sunlight.
“The brambles did most of the work,” Dovewing admitted, pulling the fat rabbit out of the thicket.
“Still it will feed the clan. Every cat knows you’re our best hunter Dovewing,” he meowed warmly. She felt her ears get a little hot at his praise, then she sighed.
“I used to be, back when I had my powers. But now…”
“You’re just like everyone else?” Bumblestripe meowed, moving closer to her. “Is that such a bad thing?”
“Well…yes! I mean I don’t care but what if the clan needs them?” Dovewing didn’t want to sound whiny but Bumblestripe knew her enough to know what she really meant.
“It’s okay to miss your powers for you Dovewing. They were given to you and you’ve had them all your life; to us it might seem like losing something you never needed but for you it’s like losing your eyes or your ears,” Bumblestripe pressed his flank against hers for a few heartbeats. He was warm and soft, thick fur concealing the hardened muscle underneath. “But they didn’t make you special.”
“Didn’t they?” Dovewing blurted out, turning to look him in the eye. “You can’t honestly say they didn’t.”
“Yes your powers were special. But they didn’t make you special. You could have just as easily decided never to use them, never to try and help the clan with them- or you could have helped the Dark Forest. But you didn’t. You chose to stand up and save your clan, and that is what makes you special,” Bumblestripe told her.
“But that’s the samething every cat did, fight to protect their clan,” Dovewing pointed out.
“Not every cat did. And not every cat would have been able to handle the powers you had and not abuse them,” Bumblestripe meowed.
“I guess you’re right,” Dovewing conceded. Then she gave him a playful look. “You’re such a know-it-all furball Bumblestripe. You know sometimes, it’d be nice to hear something less thoughtful come out of your mouth.”
“Yeah? What did you have in mind?”
“Why don’t you give ‘You’re right Dovewing, you’re absolutely right' a try? It might make me like you more.”
Bumblestripe rolled his eyes, tossing a leaf at her. “You’re right Dovewing, you’re absolutely right,” he meowed, falling over dramatically as he did. “Did that help?”
“Yes it did,” she laughed, playfully kicking him in his side.
“Oww! I thought you said it would make you like me more!” he protested.
“I said might, as in there was a possibility-“
“If you two are done…with whatever this is, we’d like to continue hunting,” they both turned abruptly to Dustpelt, the dark brown tabby looking on at them as if they were silly kits. A moment later Ferncloud joined him, a mouse dangling from her jaws.
“Oh Dustpelt don’t be such a grumpy-paws,” Ferncloud teased, affectionately butting his shoulder with her nose. “The forest is full of prey and it’s a lovely day; they should enjoy it. StarClan knows these are the kinds of days cats their age should enjoy. We used to enjoy them too.”
“Well we are on a hunting patrol,” though he tried to sound firm Dustpelt was clearly melting for Ferncloud.
“Then why don’t we get back to our hunt,” Ferncloud picked up her mouse and padded away from them, running her speckled tail delicately along Dustpelt’s flank. His ears perked up instantly and his eyes went wide.
“Make sure you bury your mouse,” he meowed quickly as he followed after his mate.
“It’s a rabbit!” Dovewing called out, laughing to herself.
“You know we can get back to our hunt to,” Bumblestripe meowed, his whisker’s trembling.
“How about you get back to your hunt- it doesn’t look like you’ve caught a thing!” Dovewing meowed as she shoved her shoulder. “I’ve got a big fat rabbit to feed the whole clan. What did you catch?”
“A talented warrior who caught a big fat rabbit to feed the whole clan,” he crooned.
“Just get back to your hunt furball,” she flicked his ear with her tail as she moved away from him and back to her rabbit. She began scrapping dirt over it and stopped because she could feel him watching her. She turned to face him- his eyes were full and focused.
“What?”
“I just thought if I watched you I might learn a few hunting tips,” he meowed. “Maybe see what I’m doing wrong.”
“What you’re doing wrong is not hunting,” she tried her best to sound serious but she knew that he wasn’t, knew that he just wanted to spend time with her. Which was fine because she wanted it too, but she also didn’t want cats to look at her and think she wasn’t trying as hard as every other cat.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stick around? Maybe I can give you a few tips,” he offered, crossing the soft grass to stand beside her. “You know, if I watched you.”
“Go and hunt Bumblestripe,” she urged, taking a few steps away from him. “Seriously we are on a patrol. I don’t want cats to say that I just goof off when I’m supposed to be helping the clan.”
“Now who in their right mind would say something like that?” Bumblestripe was next to her again- his scent was very distracting.
“Can I talk to the know-it-all Bumblestripe for a moment?” she asked, looking him in his eyes so he knew she was serious. He took a deep breath and when he exhaled, she could see that he was ready to be serious too.
“About what?” he asked.
“I do like you Bumblestripe, and I like this. Us. But I’m not...I do miss my powers. But with them gone, it finally feels like this massive weight is off my shoulders. I don’t want...I don’t want to add anymore...responsibility right now,” she knew that she wasn’t exactly being clear but she trusted Bumblestripe enough that she knew he would understand what she was trying to say.
“And by responsibility you mean kits?” he guessed.
“That, and well, I see how difficult things are for Ivypool, trying to be the deputy while also being a nursing queen. I don’t want to have to be confined to the nursery for six moons. I want to be a warrior,” she told him. She watched as his expression changed, almost as if he were chewing over what she’d said and deciding if he liked it.
“Okay. I get it, Dovewing. I don’t want you to feel like you’re backed into anything you aren’t ready for. We can just enjoy each other’s company. But for the record Ivypool could allow someone else to fill in for her as deputy while she’s in the nursery,” Bumblestripe meowed.
“Thank you- wait what do you mean by that? Are you saying she should step down just because she has kits?” Dovewing asked.
“Not step down just let another cat take over the bulk of her duties as deputy, at least until her kits are old enough that they don’t need her around all the time,” Bumblestripe meowed. “It would make things easier for her, way less stressful. And then when she’s ready-”
“Ivypool isn’t going to do that,” Dovewing told him. She could see the question in his eyes and she fell silent. Should she say more? She knew she could trust Bumblestripe but this was something she’d discussed with Ivypool; she didn’t know if that meant she shouldn’t repeat it at all.
“That makes sense,” Bumblestripe meowed. It annoyed her when he did that, figured out what she wasn’t saying. She asked for know-it-all Bumblestripe and she got him. “She’s not in the best position right now to step aside and let someone else be deputy.”
“Bumblestripe-”
“I’m not saying I think she shouldn’t be deputy, I’m just saying that right now, her position isn’t as stable. If another cat steps in and becomes deputy the clan may not be so willing to take her back,” Bumblestripe explained.
“I think I'm done talking to know-it-all Bumblestripe,” Dovewing told him, frowning her face.
“We could always get back to hunting- actually hunting, not whatever it is Ferncloud and Dustpelt are up to.”
…
Three sunrises passed since the gathering and for the most part Tigerheart was focused on his clan. It was easier to focus when he kept himself distracted, kept his paws busy and far away from ThunderClan. He did the dawn patrol along the RiverClan border and he was now waiting somewhat impatiently near the rock that served as a buffer at the camp entrance for the sunhigh patrol he was going on with Rowanclaw and Pinenose. They were supposed to be heading north towards the twoleg place because Blackstar wanted to make sure the kittypets hadn’t decided to explore the forest again.
It meant they had to pass the abandoned twoleg place, the place where he and Ivypool...it was another place he avoided at first but he knew he couldn’t forever. It was hard, but he could now be near it without getting swept up in the many skeletons they made there. He hated that the most, the fact that there were so many reminders, so many things that made him think of her and of them. He hated that he still thought about her at all.
“What are you asleep on your paws?” Tigerheart snapped back to reality and realized Rowanclaw was staring at him with Pinenose at his side and they both were waiting for him. “We have a patrol to do Tigerheart- or did you think that meant patrolling the camp?”
“Nope, I’m ready,” Tigerheart apologize. He got a sympathetic glance from Pinenose and a judging stare from Rowanclaw before they both left the camp. Tigerheart followed quickly, shoving his broad shoulders past the rock and out of the bramble barrier.
His father was always stern with him in public; Tawnypelt once told them it was because he didn’t want cats to think they got special treatment because he was the deputy. He knew that Rowanclaw was proud of him and his siblings, but he also knew that there was a disconnect between them since the battle.
Instead Tigerheart focused on the forest, the height of the pine trees that remained green during all four seasons. It was warm but not uncomfortably so and he knew that meant that twolegs would be soon to show themselves.
They were the only reason he didn’t like newleaf and greenleaf. The twolegs had no respect for the forest, no consciousness of all the disruption they caused. He didn’t like having to slink around his own territory as if he were the intruder. Even now when they were approaching the twoleg path that led near the kittypet’s home they did so with caution, listening out for signs of twolegs at play, big pale dumb creatures who acted as if the world belonged to them.
“Tigerheart!” Rowanclaw’s sharp mew alerted him a moment before a young twoleg came into view. Quickly he dashed for the nearest bush, forcing his broad shoulders in and snagging his pelt on the thorns. Despite everything his heart was racing; twolegs, especially the young ones would go for warriors as if they were play things. He peered out and saw it stomping about and chasing some sort of round play thing. They keep dogs on leashes- they need to keep their young on them too. Destructive beasts. Now the ball was coming towards his bush- Tigerheart tensed up. He tried backing out of the bush but it wouldn’t give, the thorns just dug deeper into his pelt and he had to force down a hiss. Now the twoleg was lumbering closer in its weird colorful pelt, screeching- what was he supposed to do?
He couldn’t be seen, he couldn’t risk being found out, not by some dumb twoleg kit who would treat him like he were a kittypet and try and haul him away. He began to panic, fighting wildly to back out of the thorns, not caring about the pain or the fact that he was making even more noise- the twoleg was gone. He stopped. He peered around the studded branches of the bush, through the green leaves and saw a flash of black fur- Pinenose! She was drawing the twoleg’s attention away from him.
“Thank StarClan,” he breathed, relaxing. He moved forward, a few of the thorns releasing him and he saw her dash up a tree, disappearing into the green foliage. “She’s safe.” The twoleg seemed confused; clearly it was too slow to keep up with her. It spun around in circles until it fell backwards. Mousebrain. He watched as a larger twoleg came and began yelling at the little one until it went and picked it up and dragged it towards the lake. He waited. He didn’t want to risk another twoleg being around; he couldn’t scent one, but you never know with the bizarre creatures.
“Get out here!” Rowanclaw was furious as he confronted Tigerheart. Tigerheart sighed, having an easier time exiting the bush than he did before. He stood in front of the dark ginger deputy who’s neck fur was bristling as he glared at him. Tigerheart knew he looked a little disheveled but he hardly thought all this anger was warranted. “You look exactly how you acted.”
“I’m sorry Rowanclaw-“
“Sorry! You could’ve gotten yourself attacked by that mangy beast! If it hadn’t been for Pinenose you would have been!” Rowanclaw snapped. At that moment Pinenose finished climbing down the tree. She gave him a sympathetic look- she seemed to be doing that a lot.
“Rowanclaw, I’m fine, Tigerheart’s fine; let’s just finish the patrol,” Pinenose attempted to smooth things over but Rowanclaw didn’t seem to be listening.
“You’re lucky to be fine,” he told her curtly. “Tigerheart this is a patrol. You’re supposed to be checking our territory, aware of your surroundings. Have you reverted to a kit? Pinenose and I were gone before the twoleg came into view- what was so important that you couldn’t do the same?”
“I said I was sorry Rowanclaw, I just wasn’t thinking,” Tigerheart tried again to apologize, but it seemed to be about as effective as drowning a fish.
“You haven’t been thinking for a while now Tigerheart, and why is that? You’re a warrior of ShadowClan, you’re supposed to protect your clan. But it seems like the only thing you’ve been thinking about is yourself. Is this still more of that Dark Forest crap?”
“No!”
“Then what is it? What has got you so distracted?” Rowanclaw demanded, amber eyes blazing like the sun. Tigerheart knew the answer but he couldn’t say it- but why not? Why hadn’t he told any cat about Ivypool?
“I’m sorry Rowanclaw,” was all he said. “It won’t happen again.”
“Why don’t we just keep going? We still need to see if the kittypets have left their nest,” Pinenose interjected. Though her mew was clam, measured, there was a sense of urgency to her that Tigerheart was grateful for. She had no reason to but she was looking out for him.
Rowanclaw fixed him with one final glare before he turned on his heel and stalked off. “Let’s go,” he ordered. Tigerheart blinked his thanks to Pinenose. Maybe if he focused on her, on Dawnpelt, he wouldn’t be such a mess. He thought he was doing a better job than this at keeping himself together but perhaps it was just his clan accepted that this was how he was now. “Now.”
Tigerheart felt his paws moving after Pinenose and Rowanclaw, going through the motions.
“Ivypool had my kits. Mine.”