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Post by Dingoleap on Oct 8, 2018 21:42:04 GMT -5
Setting some time aside to do an in-depth review tomorrow!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 8, 2018 22:26:38 GMT -5
Good chapter! Tiger's frustration is building, and I lok forward to chapter four. But I see an issue with telling instead of showing with the overuse of redundant "had".
Examples:
“You want to be a Fighter?” Shade had echoed. “Is running not working out for you? Finding it too difficult to keep up?”
Tiger had snapped open his jaws to deliver a retort, but she didn’t give him a chance as she continued, “
Simply SHOW by using the active verb instead of the passive tell that "had" does.
“You want to be a Fighter?” Shade echoed. “Is running not working out for you? Finding it too difficult to keep up?”
Tiger snapped open his jaws to deliver a retort, but she didn’t give him a chance as she continued, “
Another spot with repetitive "had" plus the verbs.
Anyway, after Tiger had witnessed the apprentice ceremony, he had responded with such horror and indignation that Owl had decided to kick him out of the camp on an errand just to shut him up. His mentor had seemed particularly fond of going over all the specifics on message sending lately, and he told Tiger to patrol the entire neighborhood beside the forest, on his own, then report anything and everything suspicious back to him in full detail.
Minus the "hads". They aren't needed. It flows much better without them.
Anyway, after Tiger witnessed the apprentice ceremony, he responded with such horror and indignation that Owl decided to kick him out of the camp on an errand just to shut him up. His mentor seemed particularly fond of going over all the specifics on message sending lately, and he told Tiger to patrol the entire neighborhood beside the forest, on his own, then report anything and everything suspicious back to him in full detail.
Using had is for spots where the character harks back to a memory or something that happened before the present scene, and even at that you only need to use it once in the beginning of the flashback to show the look back, o that they posses something as in "He had an idea" or "He had a broken leg" or the like bit even at that, you want to keep from repeating it.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 8, 2018 22:30:45 GMT -5
Just a reminder to watch the weaker verbs as in this sentence
Now, he was still patrolling the neighborhood
Now, he still patrolled the neighborhood
I may drive you crazy with this kind of stuff LOL but rest assured, I love the story.
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 9, 2018 6:13:38 GMT -5
Thanks! I was using "had" so much because, like you said, I was trying to make it a memory of what happened earlier. But, you're right, I don't need to use it as much.
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Oct 9, 2018 11:45:38 GMT -5
So I caught up on Tiger's revenge and it's just getting better and better. I think my favourite aspect is how you present Tiger. You're very clear about his flaws but also the genuinely unfair treatment he receives - both are going to cause his turn to evil, which is a rare balance to strike. I also like your style - there's some really powerful lines, especially "Because no one, no one had the right to tell him what he couldn't be." It's so clear that everything's going to go wrong, I want to yell through the screen at the characters to warn them! I do think you could flesh out some of the secondary characters more - particularly Owl, he seems like a fairly typical mentor figure rn. But overall, amazing job!
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 9, 2018 12:06:15 GMT -5
Thank you so much!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 9, 2018 13:45:11 GMT -5
Thanks! I was using "had" so much because, like you said, I was trying to make it a memory of what happened earlier. But, you're right, I don't need to use it as much. Yes, once you send the reader back in the memories you don't need them all. And when the memory is over you can have them come out of their thoughts, to show the reader the flash back is over.
It's easy when one is writing to overuse or repeat words or phrasing. Sometimes its just easier when you wish to get that 1st draft down, but then it makes for a lot of work on the editing and polishing phases. IMO its best to try and train oneself to use the stronger phrasing even in the 1st drafts, but it can take time to make it second nature.
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 9, 2018 14:12:14 GMT -5
Tag me when Chap four is up!!
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Post by Dingoleap on Oct 9, 2018 19:26:53 GMT -5
As usual, my review turned out waaaaay longer than anticipated. I'm hoping to have it up today.
I really hope it's not too critique-y. Anxiety setting in.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 9, 2018 19:44:02 GMT -5
I need to read chapter 3. o3o Looking forward to seeing what happened next.
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Oct 10, 2018 3:27:23 GMT -5
I love the new chapter! Tiger, make it up with your adoptive siblings, they're worried about you!
Also... I wrote the saddest scene for my story this morning and now I'm a mess rip. Send help.
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 10, 2018 6:12:56 GMT -5
*sends virtual hug*
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Oct 10, 2018 6:33:31 GMT -5
Thanks *hugs back* I've been browsing through your library to recover
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 10, 2018 6:49:32 GMT -5
<3
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Post by 🇲🇴🇷🇷🇮🇬🇦🇳 ⥇ on Oct 10, 2018 22:58:00 GMT -5
Sorry I haven't been on here as much as I should ;o; going through a lot right now, not going to lie. I promise to read and review as soon as I can! I am excited to get to it, but mental stuff gets in the way of a lot.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 10, 2018 23:10:25 GMT -5
Hope things work out for you!
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Post by ✲ριкαƒυєу✲ on Oct 11, 2018 6:09:27 GMT -5
I'll try to get a review up sometime this week! I work until Saturday so hopefully early Sunday morning I can if that's okay!
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 11, 2018 7:38:53 GMT -5
Looks like I'm halfway done
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 11, 2018 18:03:59 GMT -5
The story is progressing well and I am enjoying it very much.
Tiger's singleminded desire will get him in trouble LOL But I will repeat, at the risk of driving you nuts, just watch those repetitive weak verb phrases. With these weaker repetitive phrasing you are telling more than showing. It s a bugaboo of mine so forgive me for harping on it. I know you are probably posting the 1st draft of the story so it isn;t critical at this point, but I hope when you go and edit and polish it you will heed some of my suggestions.
Just an example of what I mean,
The sun had now risen considerably in the sky, and Tiger was lying in its precious rays with Bee and Fox at his side. They were just starting to talk about the new, advanced moves they were practicing this late in their apprenticeships when Bee’s dark gaze widened at something she’d seen behind Tiger. He swiveled his head and was greeted by the sight of his mentor storming into camp, fuming like Tiger had never seen him before.
With a bit of streamlining one can make this a more active scene enhancing the tension.
The sun soared up high in the sky, and Tiger lay in its precious rays with Bee and Fox at his side. They talked about the new, advanced moves they practiced this late in their apprenticeships, when Bee’s dark gaze widened at something she saw behind Tiger. He swiveled his head, as the sight of his mentor storming into camp, fuming like Tiger never saw him do before, greeted his sight.
Anyway, keep up the good work and keep writing! I look forward to what happenes next.
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Post by Katanaheart on Oct 11, 2018 18:19:33 GMT -5
Can I be tagged when a new story for the potluck is posted? Because I forget to check and do things, as it’s not daily routine yet. :lol.
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 11, 2018 18:22:30 GMT -5
My family is mean. They're trying to keep me from shutting myself in my room and writing for the rest of the week and be social instead. So I don't know how much further I'll get before they smash my computer and demand I stop.
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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Oct 11, 2018 21:36:01 GMT -5
Katanaheart Yes I shall! I actually believe I'll start doing that for those who sign up with the option to opt out, of course. ^^ Maplestone360 That's me only it's school that's doing that. Go Maple! Speed write!
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Post by Katanaheart on Oct 11, 2018 21:37:36 GMT -5
Katanaheart Yes I shall! I actually believe I'll start doing that for those who sign up with the option to opt out, of course. ^^ Maplestone360 That's me only it's school that's doing that. Go Maple! Speed write! Thank you, Mint!
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 11, 2018 21:43:29 GMT -5
I actually write pretty slow and I hate it
Not the actual writing part, I can type fast, but there are times when my mind is just blank and/or I don't know what words to use and how to phrase something and I'm just like... help me
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Post by ~Sapphire~ on Oct 12, 2018 5:23:23 GMT -5
Same I have a thesaurus tab open pretty much constantly while I type, otherwise I'd get caught in a loop of forgetting what the word I want is. You seem to be keeping up a pretty good speed this week though cx
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 13, 2018 10:31:20 GMT -5
Same I have a thesaurus tab open pretty much constantly while I type, otherwise I'd get caught in a loop of forgetting what the word I want is. You seem to be keeping up a pretty good speed this week though cx LOL I'm old school-I have an actual printed thesaurus open while I write.Esp during the editing process when I see I've used the same verb or adjective several times!
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Post by phantomstar57 on Oct 13, 2018 10:33:50 GMT -5
This last chapter wit the fight and the loss of poor Dawn was well done! You showed a lot of the action instead of telling us about it. I look forward to the next installment to see what consequences Tiger will pay for his selfishness.
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 13, 2018 12:19:54 GMT -5
He deserves everything coming to him
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Post by Dingoleap on Oct 14, 2018 19:07:55 GMT -5
Ok, here we go. It has been a considerable amount of time since I have constructed a review, so I wasn't entirely sure how best to go about it. I decided to fall back on the good old elimination contest marking structure, as it is incredibly comprehensive and covers a wide range of things, rather than simply fixing grammar and such. I tried to mix constructive critique with positive feedback, so hopefully it's ok! Here we go;
1. Title and LayoutWhile I have never been a fan of 'super edition' style titles, I do find yours rather intriguing. It works, considering the plot line of the story. Immediately, readers are left wondering why exactly tiger wants or needs revenge. I find your layout superb. The coding is simple and elegant, and the colour scheme works well with the tone of the story. The text is bright and easy to read, which is excellent considering you've got a dark background. Your banner is fun - it's not often you see art as the banner, so its excellent to see a picture of your main character. It's rather refreshing! 2. SynopsisTh biggest problem with the synopsis is that it doesn't flow very well. While you've done an exceptional job of drawing readers in by creating an air of mystery around Tiger and what it is that he's done, you start the last two sentences with 'but'. I was taught that this is a big writing no-no, so I'd suggest either replacing the full stops with commas or changing the wording of the last two sentences. It would also read better, I think, if it read 'being forgotten' instead of 'not being remembered'. The latter is quite a mouthful and makes for clunky reading. Aside from some minor composition changes, it really is a good synopsis. The last sentence did give me chills as it left me wondering exactly what Tiger did to ensure he was never forgotten. 3. StoryOk, so I've broken this down into seperate parts to address each chapter, so hopefully this doesn't end up being a mile long. (I have a tendency to ramble, so hopefully I can keep this shortish.)- Prologue - your prologue was rather excellent. It's awfully sad, and Swallowtail's death is moving. It immediately sets the tone for what (I think) will become a story of angst and heartbreak. Harvey's guilt is palpable, although why he's feeling guilty is a little unclear. The readers are told that 'if he never wandered away from his home in the first place, Swallowtail would never have been harmed'. Although you do an excellent job of portraying both characters emotions, it would be nice to have a little insight into why they feel this way.
Another thing that confuses me as a reader is why Swallowtail has a distinctly Clan name, despite there being no mention of Clan cats within the lore of the story, although I suppose this could be explained within the main Wild Spirit series. Once again, just be careful of starting sentences with 'but'. It makes for awkward reading and can interrupt the flow of the story. - Chapter One - let me start off by saying that I absolutely adore the opening line to this chapter. Right away, the readers gain a sense of Tiger's personality before even having met him. The use of italics in the second paragraph helps establish a distinct character voice, which is some great writing. Your use of literary techniques (I'm a sucker for correctly used literary techniques) in the rhetorical questions is also refreshing to see.
The next few paragraphs, in which you explain how the Colony functions, are a little troubling for two reasons - firstly, it is a massive information dump and secondly, you break character. Tiger is a Colony cat. All this information, he knows. And while it's important for the reader to be given this information, it is far more effective if you integrate it into the story rather than simply dumping it all in a series of paragraphs. And then there is the breaking of character. You begin in a solid third person narration told from Tiger's perspective then abruptly change into an omniscient narration - you go from having the character telling the story to having the author tell the story. While a character is only able to learn things as the story progresses, an omniscient narrator is aware of every piece of information, every plot twist before it happens, hence why they are able to dump info. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a story in this manner, make sure you stick with a singular tense/style of storytelling from the beginning. Flame and Robin's introduction is so sweet! Once again, you make some stellar character introductions. Once more, you make their personalities immediately known and so distinct. Tiger's arrogance is so easy to see, and already we can see the beginnings of his ambition. Tiger's personality clashes with just about everyone else's and its easy to see the dissension within the Colony. - Chapter Two - what I like about the start of this chapter is the repetition. By repeating Tiger's name, you've so effectively managed to isolate him. We immediately know that Tiger is so shocked that he's lost the ability to pay attention to anything but his own shock. The other really effective thing here is the way you describe Owl. By talking about only the negative traits of his personality, we immediately get a distinct sense of what their relationship will be, so excellent character development there, even though Owl has just been introduced.
Once again, we get a clear sense of character voice (italics are wonderful, keep using them to create tone.) Tiger's thoughts are so wonderful, especially that line about running being the most important part of being a runner. We get an excellent sense of his arrogance, yet we also get a lot of youthful naivety, which is an intriguing combination. I also enjoyed the snippets of sibling bonding with Flame and Robin - it makes for a more sympathetic character in Tiger. Although I'm guessing he's going to grow up and do some horrible things, by making him relatable enough for the audience to sympathise with him, you create a nice little moral dilemma, which is good to see. - As the story progresses, you do an excellent job of building Tiger's frustration. The story would definitely benefit from more description/imagery, as it's still quite reliant on dialogue in places. Try to include some more descriptions of settings and characters - we know nothing about the Colony's camp or territory, and only know vague bits and pieces about the characters. I really enjoy the dynamics between the Colony cats - you do an excellent job of creating so many different and complex relationships while still having the Colony act as a single unit. Well done!
I'm going to put this at the end, since it relates to just about every chapter. Your writing would benefit from some more scenic description. While you do an excellent job of describing personalities and relationships, we as readers know very little about the setting. I, personally, have to make a conscious effort to include scenic descriptions in my writing (all my writing teachers have told me that many of my scenes are too dialogue-driven) but once you manage to integrate good sensory imagery, etc. your writing will improve in leaps and bounds.
Really, I just want to congratulate you again on creating such rich, diverse characters. You've got the makings of a great story, and with a few small adjustments I think it could be truly fantastic!
And, as usual, this turned out way longer than expected.
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Post by Maplestone360 on Oct 14, 2018 19:22:25 GMT -5
Well, I posted my last chapter for this week. Chapter 10 and the epilogue just kind of tie things up and set up the next stand-alone. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Can't wait to read everyone else's writing!
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