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Post by mintedstar/fur🦇 on Mar 26, 2017 15:38:53 GMT -5
It will now join my collection of inside jokes. That makes...four...
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 26, 2017 15:39:38 GMT -5
I did. But knowing you, this could either mean she's just hitting on Spiderheart and really hinting how she wants to be his new mate. Or the small chance she's actually going to have kits already.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:40:41 GMT -5
Stuff's going down, and I like it. If I may, I'd personally love to see more Thicketpaw. I think I'm starting to like him more than Spiderheart, actually XD idk why, but my mind is gravitating to him. You just love the anxious characters XD. He's going to play a pretty good sized part later on.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:41:57 GMT -5
I did. But knowing you, this could either mean she's just hitting on Spiderheart and really hinting how she wants to be his new mate. Or the small chance she's actually going to have kits already. And/or talking about Goldenmask being close to Nettleleap :3 all are possible
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 26, 2017 15:42:15 GMT -5
I can relate! My anxiety is horrible, and I sympathize. Characters like him and Ravenpaw form the original Warriors make me just want to give them a big hug and tell them it'll be alright. I want to be their friend <3
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:42:55 GMT -5
I need to write about Rainpaw but he's my least favorite to write about. Blah
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:44:34 GMT -5
I can relate! My anxiety is horrible, and I sympathize. Characters like him and Ravenpaw form the original Warriors make me just want to give them a big hug and tell them it'll be alright. I want to be their friend <3 Same here. Plus Thicketpaw has been sick with his whole life, coughing up blood. His sickness is based off of something my partner irl deals with.
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 26, 2017 15:48:08 GMT -5
I might have a possible idea of what it is. Poor Thicketpaw(and your partner, I'm so sorry)
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:52:49 GMT -5
Added fun facts
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:53:39 GMT -5
It's hard on him. I made it not so bad for Thicketpaw.
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 26, 2017 15:56:17 GMT -5
I can't even imagine. Whether it really is what I think it is, that still really sucks, and I hope things work out.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 26, 2017 15:58:43 GMT -5
I can't even imagine. Whether it really is what I think it is, that still really sucks, and I hope things work out. It only happens about three times a year so it's not too bad but when it happens they can die.
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 26, 2017 16:35:43 GMT -5
Okay, now I don't know anymore. But I still feel bad
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 14:52:53 GMT -5
Gonna be pretty busy today but I'll write when I have the chance
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 18:36:23 GMT -5
Chapter five is up
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 19:52:50 GMT -5
Bump
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 27, 2017 20:17:29 GMT -5
His vision still blurry and pain surrounding his eye, paw and stomach.(This is a sentence fragment, as it doesn't make sense grammatically. Try taking out the 'and' and sticking a comma in there instead.'Surrounding' should also be 'surrounded.') Only the left side of his sight returned. He looked up at his father who looked at him with horror. One of his eyes were(should be 'was') lost in the river.
Spiderheart,(Comma because he's addressing Spiderheart directly.) I'm blind!" Dustpaw cried. The tom tried standing up only to topple over onto the hard, (Comma here because there are two adjectives side by side.)stone ground. His twisted paw making(made) it hard to get up off the ground. Pride bruised and shock setting in, he curled up in a ball on the ground, laying (with or resting. It's kind of awkward the way it is now. Better to either add in 'with' after laying, or to change 'laying' to 'resting.') his tail over his face.
He was too shocked or hurt to respond to the older tom, which meant he was too shocked to move.
He was a lot heavier now that the adrenaline has(had) worn off.
"Yes, Batstar.
The black she-cat growled at him and turned away, stomping over to the edge of the hill where water met earth and flopped over on her side, her tail thumping the ground, irritated. Sorrelclaw padded over quickly(quietly?) as if she might scare a mouse. "I know how you feel, Batstar. I want them back too." The she-cat sat down. Her(combine these by simply putting a comma before 'her.') growing belly making it hard to get comfortable.
"I'll come back and play with you some more after the gathering," Rainpaw mewed, (forgot the comma)
Batstar opened his(her) mouth.
Nettleleap mewed, his chest puffed out and standing(he stood) straight. Goldenmask purred and licked his cheek before yowling the three toms(toms') names.
The clan repeated. Hope and pride in all there (their)voices.(combine them with a comma)
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 27, 2017 20:19:26 GMT -5
Pretty good chapter. Poor Dustpaw, but I'm glad they have an idea of where their new home will be.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 20:29:28 GMT -5
I'll edit it later :3 thanks for finding all that.
I know >~> I felt so bad for him. I'm picking on him a lot.
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Post by 🍁Searipple101🍁 on Mar 27, 2017 20:35:28 GMT -5
Yep. It was a lot harder this time because my computer started freezing up in spurts.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 20:45:34 GMT -5
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Post by Maplestone360 on Mar 27, 2017 20:54:29 GMT -5
...Hi? x~x I need to read this when I get the time..
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 21:09:18 GMT -5
...Hi? x~x I need to read this when I get the time.. Sorry to randomly tag you but it's been awhile >~>
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 21:13:51 GMT -5
Owlmoon Have you read the new chapters yet? :3
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Post by Owlmoon on Mar 27, 2017 21:25:31 GMT -5
Blueheart22, this whole thing is great so far, just that the last chapter could be improved. My sggestion is that instead of 'the crowd cheered' maybe put something that makes sure the reader knows that there really isn't much of a crowd.
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Post by Owlmoon on Mar 27, 2017 21:27:17 GMT -5
In other words, yea.
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 21:32:48 GMT -5
Yeah. I was in a rush to finish the chapter XD Awesome
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 27, 2017 22:59:11 GMT -5
[~Ghost Writer~] - hey, i still plan to give this a look-see like you asked, but i'm still busy w/academics. if i haven't commented by friday night, will you please reminder ping me then? Will do
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Post by [~Ghost Writer~] on Mar 28, 2017 12:59:23 GMT -5
Bump
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