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The intro will be like, "I wish I could say this was still Australia. But I've come to realise that Australia needs people."
Then, a slight outline/second intro: "Well, I suppose this is the story. In this restaurant, this very restaurant in which we stand right now, there was a man. He was a most unlucky fellow; he just happened to be the guy who ate the wrong cheeseburger- the radioactive one. He was the first Zombie. Most of the other people in this restaurant became Zombies about two minutes after. Now, it has spread. It is sickening to watch- the Zombies tearing through flesh with apparent relish. I stay alive by following rules. These rules, I created. I'm happy to share them with you, since we'll have to survive together now. I currently have 10 rules.
Number one: Cardio. After that restaurant, the first ones to go were the fat people. Sorry guys.
Number two: Double Tap. If you're not sure if a Zombie is dead, shoot it again. Avoid becoming a Zombie Happy Meal.
Number Three: Beware of Bathrooms. I don't know why, but these are zombie hangouts. Just be careful.
Number Four: Seatbelts. It's obvious- you can go flying out of a car window.
Number Five: When in doubt, know your way out. Just in case something happens, you need to be able to get out of there.
Number Six: Don't be a Hero. This almost always gets you killed.
Number Seven: Double-Knot your shoes. You don't want your shoelaces coming undone when you're running from a Zombie.
Number Eight: Check the back seat. You don't want an unwanted hitchhiker, especially if they're a Zombie.
Number Nine: Limber up. You don't wanna strain your muscles running from those Zombies. You'll be eaten alive.
Number ten: No attachments. If you get too attached to someone, you put yourself in danger, which will certainly get you killed.
I'm Kai Windsor, and this is Zombieland."
Just a couple of things:
No cussing, even though they do in the movie.
No gory details, even though there are in the movie.